So, yes, I owe you a review on Haunted Hoochie Dead Acres. Here it is.
First of all, if you live around the Cleve/Akron area it's gonna take you roughly 2.5 hours to find Pataskala, Ohio where Dead Acres is located. This fact alone has deterred us in the past from making this trip. It is worth the travel, though. Once you arrive you are warned a million times that this is inappropriate for children and pregnant women and old people and pretty much anyone who's a wimp. I agree. Don't take your 8 year old here, it's not for them. And if you are a big fat wimpy girl who wants to lay on the floor and cry for them to get you out of there and block everyone else's progress through the house (in the second room) then maybe you shouldn't have wasted your money and get the f*ck out of my way you stupid b!tch. *ahem*
We get there, right, and I kid you not, the queue is ridiculously. Now, you can pay 10 bucks more for VIP tix, which we made fun of. Until we had been in line for an hour and a half and had only moved two turns of a 10 turn queue (it might have been more than that, it was hard to tell with so many people in line). It seriously moved in relation to that slime that can move, we moved at that speed. So, I suggested that we see if we could upgrade to VIP status. We could. And we did. The ticket sellers assured us that the VIP line didn't acutally move faster. We proved them wrong by being inside the haunted house only 3 minutes after we upgraded.
Now, in keeping with the whole not ruining the house for everyone who might end up going, I will keep specifics limited. But I want to point out a few things that are worth mentioning. First of all, you will be touched by the actors. Repeatedly. And not just gentle caresses, they will try to grab you and steal your hat and stuff like that. And they will chainsaw your legs off, for real. Maybe not off but they aren't shy about hitting you with their chainsaws. Second, they tout a live 'simulated' demon birth. I would have liked to seen it a little better but they were pushing people through like cattle in a slaughter house (i'm not sure if this was intentional, because it did make it kind of scarier that you couldn't move in certain points) or if it was because it was late and they still had half a million people in queue. It wasn't as impressive as other stuff in there but it was amusing. The animatronics here, freaking amazing. None of them in the first house struck me as cheesy at all. And the length of the house was good.
So, we get out and get in line to go into the second house, a 3D house. I really don't like these as much, it seems a cheap way to cheat me out of my haunted house money. I mean, they really aren't scary, they are cool to look at but I don't want to go to a fun house, I want to go to a haunted house. That's all. And they seem to be getting more popular, almost every other haunted house hands you out the gross paper glasses that are recycled about a million times a night. Oh well.
Anyway, the power went out (a breaker blew) just before we went to go in. So we had to wait for a while for them to get their shit together and fix it. Second house was okay, there were some pretty cool things in it but I just told you how I feel about the stupid 3D houses so, I might be a bit jaded.
Overall, I'm giving these houses a just less than perfect score (the 3D house ruined a perfect score from me, seriously if they had just had the one house I would have probably given it a perfect score). So, they get a 99 out of 100 swarming creepy crawlies.