Monday, February 13, 2017

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree

How lovely are your branches, especially the day after Christmas when I see you on the side of the road barely inside the largest trash bag that family owned.

What did these evergreens ever do to you?
I don't get real Christmas trees now. I get them back before artificial trees, I guess. (Not really, but I'm going to pretend I do for simplicity's sake.)

Here's what I don't get about Americans choosing real trees over artificial trees (which are more green, contribute less to global warming and CO2 levels, provide habitat for all sorts of critters and look real nice in a forest).

Xmas is supposedly all about love and and light and life, unless I misunderstood that part. So...let's everyone go cut down a tree (it wasn't doing anything to you, by the way) shake out all the things that lived in it, bring it into your house and plant it in a modified vase like a really, really big flower ridiculous looking flower. Then, you will put all sorts of decorations on it, because naked trees are shameful and disgraceful. Once you open all the presents under the tree (you can't open presents unless there is a real tree who died for your sins), then we take it out, even if it still looks good, and throw it like rubbish on the curb.

Sounds like a bum deal to me. Cold and heartless. Good thing trees don't have feelings or emotions. Cause if they did...well, let's just most people would enjoy Christmas a little less than they do now, with the trees begging for their lives to be spared and the constant low level hum of despair as our real trees count down the days as they slowly die in our house. Or even better, the screams and cries of agony as they await their doom on the curb. Or in a fire.

You are all monsters.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I wanna be the girl with the most cake

I just discovered yesterday that you aren't supposed to put two spaces after a period when you are writing. I have been doing it my whole life and I have to stop and think so that I don't do it automatically now. When did this become a thing? How did I never know about this my whole life?

Why didn't anyone correct me?


Apparently it's been a thing since 2003 or something. Now I just feel stupid. I write. A lot. I have a whole lot of sentences to go back and correct. Even now, I keep double spacing after my sentences, then backspacing to fix my mistake.

Grammar girl says it's easy to stop doing. She is a liar.

That's all. I just wanted to say, how did I not know this was a thing? Shook my whole world. Like, one day, I realize that I thought I saw all these beautiful colors, but really there are like fifteen instead of just the 9 in the rainbow, and everyone can see them except for me, but now I can, but only if I squint just right and think about it really hard.

Just makes me want to only write really long, really convoluted run-on sentences like the last one there.

Again, how did I not know this!? I really feel like everyone was just snickering at me behind my back. 'Oh, you know Penny. The one whose sentences really need to be separated. Her parents must have divorced, you know, for her to need all that extra space. Really is a sign of a bad upbringing.' Snicker, snicker.
'Poor Penny, some ones should really tell her her character limits would be less excessive if she just single spaced after her periods.'
'Did anyone tell her that she is making a social fopaux with every sentence she writes?'
 'I'm not telling her! You tell her!'
'Goddammit, now it's too late to tell her. She's been doing it for too long, we missed the opportunity and now it will just be awkward.'

At least, that's how it went inside my head just now. Just saying, from now on...just one space after a period. Period.

*Edit...Also just discovered ctrl-H, find and replace. Not so bad to go back now and fix my mistakes in my writing. People who program this stuff are so awesome. Thank you, unsung programmer who made ctrl-H a thing*

Friday, December 16, 2016

I don't care I don't care if I'm losing my way

Good morning, good evening, and if I don't see ya, goodnight.

I'm wondering about putting my book up on a blog.  Chapter by chapter.  I'd love to have some feedback.  Maybe a tublr or something.  I dunno.  I'm open to suggestions.  I don't want to self publish, but I also long for someone else to give me feedback on it.

I miss the traffic I get from facebook on here.  I wonder if I got ryan to post my blog posts if people would come talk to me.  I miss facebook a little, it's been about six weeks of no facebook at all.  I don't miss facebook, let me clarify.  I miss seeing people i care about and their posts.  I don't miss the bullshit.  I also don't miss feeling like a slave to my phone with need to check it all the time.

Our work xmas party was yesterday.  My employees, surrounded by a ton of other people, even when they were playing cards, had to check their phones constantly.  If there was even a second of free time, they were thumbing their phones.  I don't want to be like that, and I don't want my kids to be like that.

Just booked tickets to Atlanta for Dude's bday.  Should be fun.  We are going to a dungeon.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong

Hello, it's me.

Why, yes, I do only come here when I'm feeling a little self depreciate-y.  I'm glad you noticed.  That will make this much easier for both of us.

I'm hoping that when I'm forty or something that I'll look back at myself and be all like, oh, it was worth it, the self discovery that brought us here.  Cause, woman, you da man.  Or something like that, which does not imply that being a man is better than being a woman.  I'm not turning forty anytime soon, I've got time to work on it.

Oh, look, it's a report...
I had a draft of my first book printed today.  It's 212 pages compiled into a clear covered, 8x11 report by the wonderful UPS store.  Thanks UPS!  Hope I didn't scar you.  Yeah, like you read what I sent you.  That would be a violation of customer confidentiality.  (I know you didn't read it but what did you think? *wink wink nudge nudge*)  Oh, yeah, you totally didn't read it.  Oh, okay.  No, I get it.  It's all good.  I just..well...nevermind.

Um, I guess that last part is a lie.  The book itself is 212 pages total, but there's that whole, practically blank cover page and a table of contents as well.  So...210 pages.  Don't let me get too big of a head.  It's the shortest of all my books, too.  Some places say that formatting is a big deal to figure out how many pages your book would be as a novel.  What I'm seeing pretty consistently is an average of 250 words per page.  If that's the case, then my book has 121,156 words, divided by 250 words per page...means 484.6 pages.  So, like 485 pages rounding up for a cover page.  I know I did this kind of stuff in my stats post a few weeks ago, but I revised it a few times so it's a little longer.  

So...it's really big (that's what she said).  Bigger than I thought it was.  I, apparently, am verbose.  It's a surprise to us all, I know.  I was just so excited to have a book, you know?  I know that self publishing such a niche book will probably never happen, and I can't handle the stress of trying to do that as well as doing my other two jobs, too, but it's a dream.  Honestly, I don't care to make money from it (though it would be nice, you know?), I would just like people who are interested in that kind of stuff to read it and tell me what they think.

Also, seeing it printed, while making it kinda real to me, also made me feel like it's probably not very good.

So...maybe I don't want to know what people honestly think of it, I have practically no self confidence.  But I want it to be good.  :/

Did I mention I finished the third book over the weekend?  And started the fourth, and last, one.  I promise, this one will end the "Promise" series, which I don't know if I'm calling it that or not.  I will finish this story line. I really will.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Mother of light, give me my heart

Wow.  That last post.  That girl should see someone, amirite?

Anyway.

It's snowing today for the first time in a while.  Like since March or something.  Our weather has been really weird, and it's made me uncomfortable.  Guess I'm getting old, cause you know, back in my day, nature knew well enough to have already been snowing intermittently by now.

I tried to appreciate the good weather but it was difficult for me.  It almost felt how you feel when you know that one dude at work, you know the one, the one that always seems to do the fucking stupid shit that defies logic and messes up all your best laid plans?  That guy.  It's like when he is unexpectedly nice to you for a while and you are just waiting for it to come back on you (it did, by the way.  It always does eventually).

Anyway, this post is about nothing.  It's why you come here.  For the quality content.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Our eyes were like the sky

I feel as if the world has stayed sane and I've lost my mind.  If you are in the minority, perhaps you are wrong, right.  At work, politically, well, shit.

I'm so tired of stuff, of work, of our country, of people.  I've been having a hard time with the death of a friend, I'll feel fine, then shit really gets to me super easily and I break down really easily.  I don't know.  I don't want to blame it on that, like I'm using it as a crutch.  Maybe it's just me being me.  Being the selfish, needy kind of person I am.

Ran into a random mother over the weekend.  We bonded over the fact that our children make us want to be reclusive because going out is more punishment than staying in the jails we have made ourselves that we call home.

I dunno.  It's a dark place inside my head today.  I am feeling adrift and directionless.  The worst part, I know lots of people have it much worse than me and I should be thankful for the shit I have.  I'm horrible for even feeling like I do.  

That thought just makes it worse, makes me feel even more like a pathetic, whiny loser.  Some days I feel like an empty vessel that just fits whatever gets put inside, if it's what I'm supposed to be at work, or personally, or whatever.  I feel like a big lie sometimes.  I don't deserve emotions, I just ruin them.

Please don't worry about me, this will pass.

Don't mind me, just listening to metal, black as my mood.