Thursday, April 29, 2010


Up early, late for everything else.  Isn't that just the way things go sometimes?  Rachel Brown is in town and I am super excited to see her.  Unfortunatly her mom is having surgery on cancer which is why she's here but...hopefully everything will go well.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Lady gaga on the brain

I've been listening to lady gaga a lot lately, and I seem to have her on the brain.  Can't get her songs out of my mind.  They are so simple it hurts but so catchy and dancy and I love it.  So, how sad is that. 

And I've made up my mind, I'm not going to break the law for my dad.  Wish me luck as I try to stand up to him all by my self without getting stupid. 

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fit...or not

Wii Fit Plus.  I got it.  I really like it.  It lets you make your own work out list for the time you have and what you want to do.  It's really nice.  I just wish Asher would give me a little more time to work on it.  Oh well.  He just wants to play, too, I guess.

Still raining at work.  Not too bad, though.  I don't mind.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


Had the last four days off of work.  I really didn't miss it at all, I came to find as I am now back at work and wishing I was still at home with little bear.  I like my job, I hate the drama.  And who cares if my desk is a mess?  It's not even in a place where anyone would see it unless they were digging through my desk looking for something (BETSY!!!).

Saturday, April 24, 2010

New table

got us a new table yesterday.  it smells pretty bad like cigarette smoke.  gonna try to fix that, wish me luck.  and we have a brand new fire pit, as well. 

Friday, April 23, 2010

Woke up early

How strange today I woke up early but I feel good. Boys are still sleeping and already I have feed and given the cat his shots, done 25 minute workout in wii fit, checked my email, facebook and typed a blog.  I'm feeling pretty good about today. And if all goes well I will also be getting a free dining room table. Score.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Today we went to the zoo.  It was great.  Asher loved the jelly fish and the leopard and the bears.  the bears acutally came right up to the glass and Asher really got a close look at them and he was super excited.  We became zoo members, I think it's worth it since we will go again with my mom next month for Mother's day and then probably go in California with Jason and Ann and Athena and JJ, and then again here with JJ and her niece Lydia in the late summer. Good times.  

And, if you are looking for a good cheap massage, the place I went to, the clipperie in hudson only charges 45 for an hour and she was pretty good if i do say so.  all in all, a good two days have been had, hopefully we can round out my and ry's vacation with one more really good day. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

getting a massage today

Title says it all.  I'm really looking forward to it, I feel like I need it pretty hard core.  Then DND with the boys tonight.  Good times.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Why is a social security card a form of ID when it says on it that it is not to be used as a form of ID?  Why it is more proof of your existance than a US issued passport which also needs a social security card to get? Why does the DMV exist only to piss you off?

In other news, I'm gonna have chinese today for lunch cause I have a lot of hard walking to do afterwards. It's a pre-reward.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Depressed but why?

I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but i am constantly annoyed with ryan and i just am not happy and I am a big believer that you make your own happiness so what is wrong with me?  Why can't I snap out of this funk? Sigh...I need a place to do yoga or something...why does my schedule suck so much that I can't even do that?

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I met a girl at the grocery store the other day while I was shopping for something red and delicious. I saw her standing next to a display of melons, cantelope or honeydew, I don't recall now which. She held a melon to her ear, cradled delicately against her pale cheek. Gently she rapped on the fruit with her knuckle, once here, twice there. With a sigh she shook her head, disappointed, and replaced the gourd in the pile.

I was staring. I admit that I was. And she caught me. There was a moment of eye contact. I believe I must have blushed, looked away. She smiled, giggled a little. Maybe I made that part up, I don't remember, I just remember I was a little embarassed. I looked at her again, though. Her eyes met mine again. I didn't look away this time.

She picked up another melon. This melon was also cradled against her head, interrogated with her knuckle. She was wearing a yellow jumper dress, the kind that was popular during the 80s, all cotton and baggy and bright. Underneith the jumper was a black ribbed tank top from which a navy blue sports bra peeked out. Her hair was pulled back into a crooked messy ponytail, brown and red and black. A gaudy necklace cirlcled her neck like a spider's web, her ears were peirced more times that I could count on such a casual observation. She wore no socks in her dirty keds with no laces.

I was mesmerized. She said, "The world is dead, you know." She was smiling. "It's dead, a zombie, the dead walking. You know what that makes humanity? Vermin. Maggots, living off of the corpse, eating away pretending everything is okay. What do you think, is everthing okay?"

She was talking. To me? I couldn't be sure. I looked around to find who she knew, who she was telling such a morbid tidbit with this jubilent of a smile. Such dismal news, but still She couldn't be telling me, a stranger in the produce section. Someone she's never even met yet.

I didn't want to answer her, what if she wasn't talking to me. How embarassing. How socially inept, making a fool of myself by deeming myself important enough to think she was talking to me.

Here she laughed. At me. "You, girl, I am talking to you! What do you think, is the world dead? I know it is"

I answered her, but I don't remember what I said. She just looked at me, still laughing a little. It didn't matter what I said, I am pretty sure, she had no expectations from me. She was just amusing herself, I am sure. But as long as she smiled, laughed, I wasn't upset, I didn't feel used. I felt strange, I don't know what I felt.

Still laughing, she put down the other melon. She walked over to me and grabbed my hand with both of hers, startling me a little with the sudden contact, the sudden reality of her existance. With both of her hands still clutching mine, she pulled me closer, pulled my hand to her chest and squeezed.

She was holding my hand with one of her own very cold hands, her other hand shot around and pulled out a large messy bag from the floor that I had failed ot notice previously. Rooting around in it with her other hand, I was still too stunned to move, to pull my hand back, to do anything but stand there and exist in her world for a moment.

I found myself wondering what she would pull from the bag, hoping that it had the characteristics of a magic carpet bag, a satchel full of everything you ever wanted, wishes and desires, hopes and dreams all available in physical manifestations. Instead of dreams, it was a sharpie. Blue. She pulled the cap off with her teeth and pushed my hand flat and started writing. A telephone number, a name. Jolene.

With one more quick squeeze which smudged the writing a bit she pulled me closer and kissed me on the cheek. "Call me," she whispered in my ear as she pulled away. "Every ending can always make for anew beginning."

I remember she had to stand on her tippy toes. I am not tall, she was not particullary short. She was still smiling, turned from me and left, waving a little wave before she disappeared from sight, around a corner in my mind.

I looked again at Jolene's number. It's permanence on my hand wasn't even permanent, so much like everything else around. I could still feel where her lips had gently kissed my cheek.

I wondered if I would call her. Days later I still wonder, although I know the answer. There's and emptiness inside me, small, tiny almost but nagging and persistant. She stole something from me and I want it back. The only problem is that I don't know what it is. I didn't even know it was there until she took it but it's mine and I want it back. Jolene.

Something I wrote a long time ago that I just found and thought was good

If we are adults, we are aren't old enough
If we are children, we are too old.
Treated like children, we take ourselves
Far far too seriously to be young
Treated like adults, we feel
the dreadful overbearing of responsibility
What else can we do?

We want respect, we want more and more
We want to be playful and fun
When did the time come for us
when childhood ended so abruptly into the adult
that we have completely forgotten
To smile, how to laugh at something that is funny

We are all missing the ingredients for a good time
Our dreams become our cages and shackles
Our imaginations are wasted on the mundane
No more youthful visions, larger than life
Fantasies and dreams and creativity
Replaced with business plans and synergy

The death of childhood into an adult world
If this is my cocoon, I never want to come out
I refuse to become a corporate butterfly
A faceless number, a nameless face
Lost in the midst of all the other pretty butterflies
Just a pretty statistic to feed into a machine

human nature

So, ry and I got in a huge fight yesterday.  In front of Jeh and Stephanie.  So I feel like a tool.  Oh well.

I was wondering about human nature lately.  Ry lost his wallet and he can't find it so he thinks he might have dropped it at the gas station.  If he did, I am sure the fifty dollars he had in it will be gone even if he gets it back.  It makes me think of the time when I was out hiking with some friends and I found a kid's wallet.  Some of my friends wanted nothing to do with the wallet and told me to throw it in the river.  Others told me to take out the money and throw it in the river.  The only people who said to turn it back to the owner unscathed were me, ryan and my brother.  What is wrong with people? Here is a link to the whole story I typed a long time ago if you want details(I acutally can't find it, maybe one day I'll retype it for everyone to read).  It made me very sad and I still don't understand everything that went on there.  Am I naieve?

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Asher wouldn't sleep this morning so both ry and I are up super early and super tired and Asher is being a super cranky pants who wont' go back to sleep. happy saturday off of work.

Friday, April 16, 2010

gonna order a pizza

Cause I'm too lazy to cook.  How sad. Actually drove around all day visiting people and took asher to the gym and he swam.  It was a pretty good day. i have the cutest picture of him feeding himself mashed potatoes, too. I'm gonna try to get it off my cell phone and onto the computer and on here.  Oh, and went to my dad's house today and it was great.  Which really makes me quite happy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Going to a concert tonight.  How exciting is that?  I haven't been to a concert in like, two years.  Gonna see Ben Folds with my friend from work Tony.  They have been giving him a hard time here because he is taking a married woman out to a concert without her husband.  Seriously?  Grow up, water supply.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bad Authors

I really hate it when I read a book that is written poorly but I end up liking the characters and the story line has promise.  Because I can't stop reading it, I just keep hoping it gets better.  Then, oh boy, then, when I get to the end (the end of a trilogy, by the way, once you reach the third book you kinda have to finish it there, don't you think?) and you don't have an ending, don't wrap anything up, nothing, then you should be dragged out into the street with your laptop and forced to finish writing your story at gunpoint.  You know who I'm talking to, Jennifer St.Clair.  You pretentious bitch.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I know no one really reads this blog but I am beginning to think that my facebook account is invisible or people just don't really care.  How is it that some people can write about stupid shit and still get a thousand comments on it and I go days to weeks without someone even looking at my stuff.  Oh well, I guess.  I just get lonely.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A long and lonely road

Try to get anything done with a baby.  I dare you.  If you can, you are a better person than I.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

just something I felt like writing

"How do I know that you aren't influencing me right now," she said, not looking directly at him.
"You don't, I suppose," he replied softly. "Does it matter?"
She looked at him for a moment then looked away again. "I..." she sighed. "No, probably not." She started to say something else, then stopped herself with a small shake of her head. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear without thinking about it. He reached out and took her hand in his and squeezed it slightly.
"Will I ever be free of you?" she whispered.
"What would you do if you were?" he asked her gently.
She looked down for a moment, studying the table as she thought. Looking back up at him she sighed again and said "I don't know".
"Don't know or don't want to know?" he asked. The edge of a smile played on his lips. Her head down again, she didn't respond.
They sat in in silence for a moment. She sipped at her drink. The air had condensed on the side of her glass and slowly was dripping onto the table. She played her fingers through the water on the table, avoiding his gaze.
"Do you love me?" He asked, surprising her.
She looked up at him, finally looking directly into his dark eyes. "What does it matter? I how would I know if I do or not?" She said remorsefully. "If you want me to love you, wouldn't you just make me feel that that way?"
He looked at her. She was so delicate. "I can't make you love me. Even I can't make you feel something like that." It was his turn to look down at the table and pulled his hand away from hers.
A tear streamed down her cheek. It was all the answer either of them needed. Reaching out, he took her hand again and kissed it gently. "Do you want to be free of me?"
She wiped the tear away with the back of her other hand and shook her head. For the first time since they sat down at the table she smiled at him as she pulled her hand away. Then she stood up and walked away. She didn't look back once.
Eventually he stood up and paid the bill. She was waiting for him. He didn't have to will her to do it, she wanted to be with him. He could feel it. He walked to the door, smiling wistfully.

slack attack

Man do I suck. No posts this weekend at all. It was busy in my defense. Had a really nice time with Ry on Friday and Saturday mom and Geoff came and rototilled my whole yard. It's gonna be a lot of work but I'm really looking forward to it. Nervous about returning back to work with John...after Betsy sent him home for insubordination on thursday everything is gonna be really tense around the office.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Well, not very good at sarcasm. Today sucks. Oh well. Wish John who I work with would stop doing stupid stuff to get us all in trouble. I am tired of being in trouble.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


So, I joined an informal bocce league in Hudson and I also volunteered to coordinate it. I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I'm still pretty excited about it. I kind of can't wait to start. And you know how much I love to coordinate things.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'm still talking

Went Easter clearance shopping yesterday but was kinda disappointed. Oh well. Gonna plant some wild flowers in the yard today if I can convince Asher he wants to play outside for a while before work. We will see. I need to find some lilac bushes for the front yard.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Not bad

Today is gonna be good. I can tell. And if it's not good, it's at least gonna not be bad.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

slacker packer!

I can't believe I forgot to update again yesterday. Okay, yes I can. We did Easter by the inlaws so I was kinda busy and then I forgot. Sigh.

Well, at least I'm writing today. Have to work on Easter. Not a huge deal, at least the weather is nice. Wish Asher would sleep, though. Currently he's eating the web cam.

Friday, April 2, 2010


Had something to say yesterday but I already posted so I thought I would remember it for today. I was wrong.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I know you feel it, too

A side note, yesterday was pretty kick ass.

Today. I dont' know why, Asher slept till 4:30 so I should be good but I am a massive grump butt today. Maybe it will get better, Ryan and Asher are coming for lunch so that will be nice, and today is my Friday at work so that will be good, too. But...I'm tired of being someone else's second leavings around here. Really I am. Oh well, I guess. At least my job is pretty good, even if I am not respected or anything around here. I do like the job itself.