Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I am who ever you say I am

Because if I wasn't, why would you say I am?

Having one of those nights.  So, eminem is a good rapper.  How does he sound like he's just talking shit but actually have great and complex lyrics AND they all rhyme?  Fuck him.

So, i'm feeling melancholy and a little self depreciating today.  I made a list of things I know about myself in the shower.  And then I wondered why I am how I am.  And why I am how I am.  And if I should want to change?  Sometimes my tea bag tells me that it's okay to be myself.  Then my fortune cookie informs me that it's never to late to take another path.  And then the internet says that I can change career in just 18 months.  And then that helpful podcast tells me that to be happy I should change what I don't like about myself.

What things should I like?  What things about myself should I not like? What things should I keep?  What things deserve to be trimmed away?

It's hard to tell.

Things I know about myself.  I am manic.  Like, nearly almost always.  I can't stop and I can't slow down.  No tea bag or fortune cookie or podcast about being happy has advice on how.  Sure, they tell me to slow down, smell roses and shit alike.  But they don't tell me HOW. How do you stop being you? Does being manic define me?  A little.

I was meeting with a guy at work who does not like me.  We are peers, and have had a very rough go of it.  We are on good terms lately, which makes me worry about the next fight on the horizon.  How sad and jaded.  I like to think I see the good in people but those previous statements prove I don't.  Anyway, I was talking to him and I could feel myself spiraling quickly into manictown, population me.  And I couldn't stop it.  Afterwards, I wonder how anyone can be around me and I understand why he has a hard time working with me.

So, maybe the problem is mine, a little.

Should I embrace my maniacal nature?   Just own it and be the crazy cat lady with the aomebas in her brain making her like cats a whole lot and also sometimes walks down the street with her skirt tucked into her pantyhose? (I'd have to start regularly wearing pantyhose...)  Or should I follow the advice of my fortune cookie and calm the fuck down?

PS...It would be totally awesome if I ever found a fortune cookie that literally said "you need to just calm the fuck down every now and again".  I would take it as a message from the powers that be.