Monday, April 18, 2011

What do God and my driveway have in common?

I decided yesterday to steal a post from an old blog ( I used to write for and repost it here.  So if you've read it already I apologize but I think you haven't.  Well, Dave and if Jason ever reads this (highly doubtful), you have, and maybe ann, but other than that...  Also, I had to rewrite some of it, I wasn't very good at writing then or something.  I guess I'm still not but I'm a little better so I made some minor changes. 

Here it is:

Did you know that if you play your cards right, Mormons will shovel your driveway for free?  In the middle of a snow storm?  Let me tell you how.

It's my day off of work and  I decide since it is snowing a lot that I should probably shovel my driveway.  So, I don’t know, it’s probably around 11:30 and I get all ready and go out and to shovel.  As I go out, I see two girls across the street and I figure they are probably are selling something  And, I am cool with that since I used to have to do that crap for band when I was in high school (who hasn't, right?)  So, anyway, I am prepared to buy a band card or whatever magazines they are selling and  I can see that I am in their targets as they make a beeline across the street to where I am dutifully shoveling the 2 feet of snow in my driveway and sidewalk that I shared with my neighbor (I lived in a townhouse at the time ).  By the time I realize the danger I'm in, well, it's too late.

These girls didn't appear to be Mormons, which was my first mistake  I mean, these girls are attractive, one would say cute.  I know I shouldn't think all Mormons are unattractive or something but I was younger and less worldly at the time so back off.  I didn’t know what Mormons looked like before then, but now I know for future reference.  They are going to send out the best looking of their flock to bombard potential brainwashees (did I say that?). I don’t know what I thought Mormons were supposed to look like, but they aren’t supposed to be that attractive.  It’s really a good selling point when you think about it.

Anyway, I digress. Here I was, prepared to buy a stupid magazine I didn’t want when I heard these girls say, “Hey, can we shovel your driveway?"  I felt the fear then and I knew there had to be a catch.  I looked up, and these were not girl scouts trying to earn a new badge.  I immediately saw the name tags.  The names,which I will change for protecting the innocent Mormons or maybe because I already forgot them, were bold on their black name tags in gold lettering stating ‘Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’.  I was confronted by Sister Wayland and Sister Jehoshaphat. Before I could run, Sister Jehoshaphat takes the shovel from my hand, hands me her Book of Mormon and begins to shovel.

I was not prepared for their onslaught.  Like a bunny on the road in front of your gigantic Suburban,  Never had a chance.  They had used their magical Mormon powers to stun me into a stupor whilst I listened with most of my attention to Sister Wayland’s story of how great the church was and how great God is and how great life is.  I am pretty sure she was telling me that everything is great, which is, of course, a lie (like cake and the statement that you can lose cellulose), but they make it seem so easy and appealing.  I mean, I want everything to be great.  I really do, so when she tells me I can have it that way, I want to believe her. And she is cute.  I mean, it’s really hard to say no to a cute girl.  You know what I mean?  So, here I am, listening to her out in the snow and the cold and she just keeps talking and I just keep listening.

Here is an approximation of how the conversation goes:

Sister Wayland: Hi, can we shovel your driveway for you?
Me: Um…what? (as sister Jehoshaphat takes the shovel from me) Ah, okay, sure.
SW: We really like to do nice things for other people.  Can I talk to you for a minute?
Me: (now, how can I turn her down when they are shoveling my driveway?) Ah, sure…
SW: Have you heard of the book of Mormon?
Me: Yeah.
SW: Oh, really? (she is surprised here, like, Mormons are rare mythical creatures that I would never have heard of before) Have you read it?
Me: No.
SW: Oh?  It’s great.  I read from it everyday.  It’s very inspirational.  Have you heard of the bible?
Me: Yeah (seriously?)
SW: So, you know about the book of Mormon?  How have you heard of it?
Me: I have seen other members of your congregation when I lived at my old apartment in Akron.
SW: Is that in Ohio? I am not from here.  In fact, I have only been here for five days.  (for those of you who don’t know where Akron is, it IS, in fact, in Ohio.  In reality, it’s only a half hour drive from where I currently resided at the time, as well)
Me: Yeah. Only for five days? Where are you from?
SW: Utah.  (this really explains a lot, being the Mormon capital of the world)
Me: That's pretty far away.
SW: Yup.  Do you know how great God is?  He's pretty super awesome.  Let me introduce you to his total greatness and overall super awesome-Godliness. 

I mean, this goes on for a while (I might have paraphrased that last part...).  While this is all going on, it is soooo cold outside, her nose is running down her cute little face.  I am feeling kinda bad for her, so I interrupt her very exciting description of how great God is and everything and ask her if she would like some Kleenex.  Unfortunately , I am out of Kleenex since I myself was sick all week, and so all i have to offer her is toilet paper.  How silly.  I was just trying to be nice. We then go back to the description, and then she wants to know if she can come back.  I say “of course” because I just can’t be mean to such nice and pretty girls.  I mean, they are soo nice and soo attractive and I'm a pushover I suppose.  What was I supposed to do?  And now she has my address and my name and my phone number.  So, today I made friends with a Mormon.

After all is said and done, I realize that the Sister Jehoshaphat has shoveled not my driveway but my neighbor’s driveway.  Well, I think the moral of this story is that you should really specify which driveway belongs to you when you sell your worldly soul to members of the Church of Latter-day Saints for a simple service.s.  They did leave me with some very motivational reading material and a plan for calling me for another information session.  I wonder what household chores I can get them to do for me next time they come calling.

No comments:

Post a Comment