There's a song by Matt and Kim where they wonder what they might have been. What they could have become.
I wonder that a lot lately. I don't regret where I am in my life. But I wonder, what if...what if I went to Japan when I wanted to, to teach english? What if I stayed in education and taught high school biology? What if i had stayed in college and gotten my PhD and became a professor. What if I had joined the army and not backed out last minute? What if ....
Somehow, I still thing I might have ended up where I am. Sometimes I think that is the truth of the matter. But I don't know that I believe in a force more than just me. Lots of music influencing me tonight apparently but I am who you say I am. Yeah, I know I used Eminem in the last blog, too. I'm apparently lazy. I mean, there are already three different song references, Sleater-kinney , Matt and Kim and Eminem. What more do you want from me?
I feel old. I know I have time and I'm young enough to still do stuff, change my life and all that, it just seems so hard. It's not supposed to be easy. that's why it feels fucking so good. (See, now we are up to four song references, awolnation, you're welcome). Or that's what I'm told. Does anyone ever really know what they want to be when they grow up?
Apparently I want to write smutty m/m vampire novels when I grow up.
The computer screen is bright and I'm sitting in the dark in my bedroom. I keep seeing shit out of the corner of my eyes and it distracts me. Enough so that I just wrote it. And you read it. Who's worse?
Sometimes I wish I would just shut up. I hear myself talking and internally I'm just like, jesus christ, why doesn't anyone just tell me to shut up? I feel like I am almost completely the most annoying person on the planet. Sometimes. I need to work on being fluent in another language. At least if I'm unable to stop talking, as happens occasionally, you wouldn't know what stupid shit I was unable to stop myself from saying.
Once, in high school, i took a bet from a teacher of mine, that I couldn't go a week without talking. I'm so annoying. That annoying. I won that bet but it wasn't worth it in the long run. I got grounded because my mom was so annoyed with me at home, and I got in trouble in school when I used a small hand held chalk board for 'class participation'. Some people just can't win. And I just can't shut up.