Spinning circles, watch them run

Just some statements.  Christmas is not about who can buy more gifts for children.  It is not a competition between grandparents.  Or between grandparents and parents.  It is not a competition for attention.  It is not supposed to be about consumerism at all.  I will be the first to tell you I'm not a religious person but from what I remember from Sunday School back when I was a wee little 'un...the birthday of Jesus was not supposed to signify which big box retailer could sell more stuff no one wants nor needs.

I don't know if you can tell but this holiday sucked the life out of me.  It kills me a little each year.  I understand how people are grinches.  I can't help but hate this time of year.  I thought having kids would rekindle my love of the holiday but the stresses and pressures that my family puts on me make me hate the whole month of December.  Just saying.

I read an article the other day that talked about how the holidays have much more pressure and stress for women then men. How women feel the need to please everyone and make sure Christmas is "perfect" and create new traditions to make sure her children remember each and every Christmas as the best one ever.  I can barely hold my shit together and I feel these pressures.  I had a pretty stressful month at work in December plus I tried to force myself to be in a wonderful holiday mood.  In the end, I ended up breaking down, calling my kid a selfish ungrateful brat to his face and passive aggressively yelling at my MIL (I know she still doesn't get it and even if she does, she doesn't care).  And right after that, I went out and cried to myself in my trunk for a while (yesterday was a pretty emotional day).

Anyway....I can't do this again.  I want to have a nice time with my family and not hate them for the whole month of December.  I appreciate that they all want to treat my kids as if they were their own around the holidays but I wish we could spread this out around the whole year instead of micro-focusing it during 25 days of misery.  I was given a suggestion by a good friend that I really am going to heavily consider...travelling during the holidays.  Now...where to go...

Because everyone loves a good list

You know that there are a few things that the internet is totally in love with and they include cats, cats doing human things, posting pictures of what you ate last night and lists of things.  So many lists of things.  So....I am going to do these things.
 First....a pic of a cat.  My cat with a baby, that's a freebie.   So, we got that out of the way.  I don't have any pictures of what I ate last night but I ate at PF Changs, so you can imagine it looks like crappy American Chinese food.

And now....a list!  

It's a list of the best music to come out in 2013 in my esteemed opinion.  Let's get this list started, eh? Oh, by the way, this list is not in any particular order and does not have any rhyme or reason to it.  I just like this music and I want you to like it, too. 

10.  AWOLNATION, This kid's not alright

I love this song.  I recently discovered this band (because I am behind the times) and they have made it to one of my favorite bands of all time.  This song is super fun to sing at the top of your lungs in the car by yourself.  You'll find that to make it into my favorite music category, a lot of the time you should be able to sing it loudly and enthusiastically.  

9.  Closer, Tegan and Sara

I actually love the whole album this song headlines, Heartthrob.  It's soooooo good from start to finish.  (the extra "o"s in the word so stress how much awesomeness this album has.  If you haven't checked this album out or heard this song, it's pretty boss.. 

16.6a.  Lose Yourself to Dance, Daft Punk

Well, if you know me you know I do love me some disco. Lots and lots of disco.  If you asked me, I'm pretty sure that Daft Punk made this album for me.  Crazy, isn't it? 

1.5x + 2y.  Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell

So...yeah...was this song way overplayed?  Sure.  Does that make it any less fun and dancey?  Nope.  And obviously I like Pharrell....there's just something about this guy, you know? Was the song controversial for being sexist?  Yes.  Was it?  I guess that's your opinion.  I still like the song.  I think it's fun and I've heard lots of worse sexism in media so *shrugs*... Still a good song.  

XX.  Love Club, Lorde

So, I know that Royals was the big hit for her and still plays very regularly on the radio but I really think this song is much more fun and even though I enjoy both songs, I really like this one better.  It's just so....bouncy and fluid....I don't know how else to explain it.  

3.  The Last Dance, Limousines

Okay, this is not my favorite song on this album but this whole album is so freaking phenomenal that you are lucky I didn't just post the whole album.  The emotion that the Limos pour into this album is overwhelming and make this album 100% better than their first album which was amazing.  I really think this band is so under exposed that it's ridiculous.  

I can't get this video to embed.  FUUUUUUUU.  I can't get any videos to embed from the limos.  Did I hit the Youtube limit?  Here's the link.  

15. Try To Remember, Spacehog

I recently discovered that being a spacehog fan isn't a thing.  At least, none of my friends really like them, most of them say something along the lines of "who?  that meantime song?  I remember that...I think.  Maybe?"  Yeah....also, as I write this, they will be performing tomorrow at the Grog Shop and I can't see them.  I have no one to go with.  Because....I don't know.  Anyway, this is not my favorite song off their album there are no other of their songs from the new album on youtube that I could find in like two seconds of searching.  I have kids who are up my butt constantly, I don't have time to write quality blogs.  I won't apologize. Anyway, this album is solid and it's a nice comeback from their long hiatus.  Check it out. 

AEIOU. One For the Road, Arctic Monkeys

I held out on this album for a long time but it's a good album.  I can't help it, I never really paid much attention to the Arctic Monkeys before but they are a solid band.  Kind of Black Keys-ish.  But in their own way.  And I'm sure they are first, once again I haven't even bothered to check anything about them.  Sorry. 

1.15x. Spiderhead, Cage the Elephant

Thank you Borderlands, I probably would never have found this band without you.  And it's totally such a good band.  So worth a listen to if you haven't given them one.  This album is a bit more eclectic than some of their other stuff but it's nice.  Ry says it reminds him of listening to the pixies, so that's not a bad thing.  

I'm sure there is more music I loved this year.  Add your selections to the comments.  I have run out of time, my offspring are causing harm to themselves and others.  Thanks for reading and listening, and if you like it, you should buy it.  

Even if we're underground you know that we'll be safe and sound

Haunted house season!  My freaking favorite.  :)

Anyway, my brother had a truly boss idea and I think we are going to do it one night, we are all going to go down on a friday night to columbus and get a hotel and hit a bunch of haunted houses one night and the next day go to the columbus zoo.  Ry and the kids are going to come down and (not enjoy the haunted houses) go to the zoo with us. FUN!!!

Here's a bunch of ideas that I'm posting here so I don't forget.  I will make the schedule soon.

Near Columbus:
Haunted Hoochie 
The Creep 
The Haunted Farm
House of Pain
Wells Twp Haunted House

East:
Canfield Haunted House and Corn Maze
Forsaken

West:
Lake Erie Fear Fest

South:
Factory of Terror
Mansfield Reformatory

Find more?  Add them to the comments section!

I sold my faith but not my stereo

All the things that I have been thinking, oh, hey, that would be a great blog post...yeah, I never remember them when I finally get a chance to sit and write what's on my mind.  I generally just get depressed and crap when I get a chance to sit and write, which in itself is both depressing and pathetic.  So, I won't do it.

Haunted houses coming soon...a tentative list will be up sooner or later.

Also a Halloween party. The theme this year is vampire and hunter.  Should be fun.  I am open to drink/menu/decor suggestions.

I need to get out of this funk I've been in lately. Not sure what will help. Possibly a lobotomy.  I think that would help something but I'm not sure what.

I went shopping with a friend from work today to buy shoes.  Buying shoes is painful.  The shoes I bought apparently don't even have a large heel on them but they are fucking insanely uncomfortable.  Not as uncomfortable as other shoes I had tried on today.  The other reason it was painful was because I suck at being a woman and I have no self confidence.  I tried to make myself believe today that I belonged in these stores and that these shoes were totally me and I was owning the experience but that was not true.  I felt small and inconsequential and totally out of my element.  You know where I'm in my element?  In my house and in my watershed and that's about it.

 Bow ties, always classy.  Always.

I should not be afraid of fucking women's shoes, even if some of them have a freaking ridiculous heel.  It was like trying on Chinese Lotus shoes.  You know, I almost felt bad for men having to wear bow ties and regular ties and cummerbunds (cause that shit is funny) but after trying on these shoes and getting a preview of the agony I am going to feel on the night of my brother's upcoming wedding...you deserve neck ties.  The only real consolation was that I was shopping with a buddy.  Buddy system is the way to go, moral support and all.  Cause I probably would have broken down like a moronic little child and sat in the aisle and felt bad for myself after the first four pairs of shoes. Any more than that alone and I would have needed to have some type of anti-depressant intervention.  As it was...after the deed was done (shoes were purchased) I had some delicious and carbtastic Auntie Annie's anti-depressants.  

Yes, these are my weirdo feet.  In a pair of shoes made designed
by the woman who lovingly sings about her "lovely lady lumps"

My feet look stupid.  Other people's feet look okay but I think my feet look all rigid and vein-y and weird.  Kind of like something else...but I really don't think my feet look like that object.  Well, I know I just eluded to it but I was just typing out my thoughts.  Whatever!  Why are you still reading this.  Don't you have better stuff to do?  Like learn Latin or memorize every postal zip code or something more worthwhile than reading my blog?

ps...thanks for reading my blog.  It is nice to know someone at least cares enough about my vein-y pseudo-runner's feet to read to the end of this post.

Hudson, Ohio, sister city to Eerie Indiana

Oh, did I mention I ran another 5k?  With Ry, my friend from work and one of his lady friends.  One day I'll write all about my theory on how Hudson is like the city in the Stepford Wives... but not today.  Or ever maybe.  I have a theory, though.  Hudson is like Eerie Indiana, it's just too perfect at first glance...maybe I need to be doing some Marshall style investigations...

Half remembered rumors of the old

I was waxing melancholy this morning about old times and old friends.  My best friend from high school's birthday was last week and I was thinking about her this morning.  I would love to reconnect with her but we were already such different people before we parted high school that I wonder if we could ever really
reconnect the way we had in high school.

Remember when I used to write really witty and interesting stuff on here?  Yeah, me either.

I'm running my next 5k on labor day.  Cheer me on, would ya?

I have been thinking about myself a bit lately, ways to improve and what's wrong with me.  I need to focus on what's right with me probably.  There's quite a bit wrong. *shrugs*.  I have recently discovered I am really good at being empathetic but really bad at reading people's emotions, if that makes sense.  I found that I project my own insecurities and low self esteem on other people which makes me feel that they are already disappointed in me and that I need to make it up somehow.  Apparently this is not the case, which, like I said, I just discovered. (hey, we self discover our whole lives, no judging...I'm looking at you...you know who you are, judgy-judy...).  So, I'm gonna try to remember that and stop being so overly sensitive.  Also, I have a pretty bad swearing problem.  Or maybe it's not a problem?

You're supposed to pull me like the sun pulls the earth

In a world without me, is it a better place?  In a reality where I was never born or something, is it better? How can you tell?

My personality is ENFJ.  It seems to be pretty accurate for me, except for maybe the getting people to do what I want them to do, that almost never seems to happen and it says that I should be pretty good at that. Do I get under your skin?  It says I do that, too.  Maybe I'm overbearing and that's how I get under your skin.  Here's a quick list
Some common ENFJ characteristics include:

• Prefers harmony to discord
• Outgoing and warm-hearted
• Genuinely interest in the feelings of others
• Often have a diverse range of friends and acquaintances
• Great at supporting and encouraging others
• Excellent organizers
• Seek approval from other people

or this one, which I feel pretty strongly about: 

ENFJ in a Nutshell

ENFJs are idealist organizers, driven to implement their vision of what is best for humanity. They often act as catalysts for human growth because of their ability to see potential in other people and their charisma in persuading others to their ideas. They are focused on values and vision, and are passionate about the possibilities for people.

ENFJs are typically energetic and driven, and often have a lot on their plates. They are tuned into the needs of others and acutely aware of human suffering; however, they also tend to be optimistic and forward-thinking, intuitively seeing opportunity for improvement. The ENFJ is ambitious, but their ambition is not self-serving: rather, they feel personally responsible for making the world a better place.

Possible ENFJ Weaknesses

• Can harbor hurt feelings
• Tendency to manipulate
• Tendency to smother
• Blames self when things go wrong

Are you done reading about my sad sad personality yet? 

But my eyes are open, yeah, they're really open

It has been a good weekend.  It's crazy how I go from low to high and back.... regardless....

I ran my first 5K yesterday, Cleveland's Run or Dye that I got as a groupon.  Ry ran with me and I wish I had coordinated better because my friend from work Robert was there and he should have run with us too.  We did meet up afterwards but...that's just a reason that he has to run another 5k with me, right? Right.

Anyway.  I know you have already seen these photos more than likely but I'm putting them up for my own record, you know?

I don't think I got nearly colored enough.  Or maybe I sweat it all off....

These are the dirty feet that made it happen...

There was a tie-dye after party. 

Aw yeah, glow team running for the win!

So...I'm looking for another 5k in september and one in october I think.  I had so much fun.  I was also so proud of myself because I ran the whole thing and I felt like I could have run even more.  The course was pretty flat and that made it pretty easy.  And it was right by the lake, so it was nice and breezy and beautiful.  Very nice.  

We are thinking about buying ryan a Ford C-Max.   He's freaking over the price, which is usually my job, so I don't know what happened in crazy reverse world.  I think we are going to buy it anyway.  He deserves a nice car and we could really use something with really good fuel economy. His Malibu..well, it's not a hybrid.

Lot's of good things happening this weekend.  I'm feeling good from yesterday still.  I had a pretty nice pampered chef party even though I didn't think I would (due to people not coming).  The kids were really good and I read an article telling me to stop rushing them with my A type personality and they are right.  So I'm  trying not to rush them...as much....we still have things to do, you know?  

We also have two girls available to babysit now, which is exciting.  Two potential babysitters.  So I have one lined up for the wedding which is nice.  And maybe for those days when Rosie can't watch them.  I'm in a good place right now.  

I am thinking about getting the 23 and me tests for ry and myself.  I will post some of the results here when we get around to doing it and stuff.  

And....Halloween is slowly approaching....I can't wait to make the haunted house list for this year.  You're coming, right? 

  

Cause lately I've been seeing things I cannot believe

Just a short post.  Lots of depression lately.  Not sure if it's just regular depression or if it's from me being over-reacty or something.  Feeling isolated and alone.  It's so weird, there are so many people around and they are all lonely.  I don't know how to meet people.  I wouldn't think I'm shy but I guess I am a bit.

I'm running my first 5k this saturday.  I'm not ready.  I don't think I ever will be.  I lost a lot of fat from running so I'm proud of how I look which is why I keep running, ...I've been running for the last 8 months, but I still only run about 2-2 1/2 miles before I am not good at the running anymore and decide to move on to the walking and then stretching (sometimes) and sitting (always) afterwards.  I need to be better.  But....I'm not.  Sorry, myself, that you are disappointed in me.  Or that I'm disappointed in you, but you is me.  You get it.

I'm gonna go shower.

Baby, I'm baaaaaackkkk!!

I guess I'm back from a lot of things.  I'm back from a busy summer hiatus.  I'm back from a mommy escape weekend to Portland, Oregon with my bestie Ann.  I'm back to work from just two days off (Portland was a long weekend) and I come back to 6 angry voicemails from people who didn't pay their bills over the last three years and 45 emails.  This is not normal for me.  I guess I was just missed.  And this morning?  You know what I came into this morning?

I'll give you a hint.

I'll give you another hint.  It's 4 feet of not supposed to be here.  Welcome back to work!  

It's always exciting around here.  I am living through the first of hopefully not so many experiences of having to go against my personal morals on a project due to higher-ups.  I am sure it is not the last time and that's a bitter pill to take.  I have a lot of freedom to do what I think is best for the City so I have to just keep doing things that I think make a positive difference and keep working for the greater good as best I can.  

Want to see some photos from Portland?  Course you do. 

McMenamins Crystal Hotel.  

 

Ann and Clarice in our room. Don't look at me like that, Clarice...

Waterfall at the Japanese Gardens by the Rose Test Gardens (which we didn't go to)

Ann at the Japanese tea gardens

Then we went to the Chinese Tea Gardens, it was a tea garden battle royal!

But the Chinese tea gardens actually had teas to drink so they win.  

Ann got the maple blunt and I got the gay bar. 

Then we went to Voodoo Donuts.  They were intense.
Not as intense as the line to get the donuts, though...

Foo Dog in Chinatown

Food carts everywhere.  Seriously, these were the places that I ate the best.  So good....

It was seriously the best food on my trip, and the best pic of the trip.  The best pic, me stuffing my face.  But so happy. 

Treat yo'self!!!!

Just keeping it weird. 

And the kids, holding down the fort at the Cleveland Zoo while mama was out.  

Photos not listed...our kick ass night at the gay bar Silverado.  It was an excellent time.

Thanks Ann for an awesome mama getaway treat yo'self weekend!

Whoa, where did the party go?

This blog post was going to be all sorts of things.  It was going to talk about the trauma of breaking Rosie's finger in the car door and that whole drama, of hurting my knee, of the failure to be an independent woman with children.  All sorts of things.  I actually wrote a well thought out blog in my head on my drive home from work before I got the kids yesterday.  I thought it was good.  I have no idea what it said now, because my memory sucks in the worst kind of way, as all of you know.

I think this one is going to be random and touch on my depression (honestly, who isn't depressed?) and my general lack of stuff.  Not physical stuff, like most people we have lots of stuff.  Of stuff, like you know, the ability (or lack thereof) to manage all of my work load with the current small (but amazing) staff that I have.  The ability (or lack thereof) to manage my home life with my crazy (and awesome) family.  Of feeling isolated in a place where I have lots of friends and family.  I know that what happened the night I broke Rosie's finger was one of those weird situations where no one was around but it left me feeling isolated and alone and unimportant.  And I know that my family is now upset with me.  But I'm upset and I feel I have a right to be upset.  But...of course I don't.  Whatever.  I don't really want to air it all on the internet.  I just was putting it out there to explain my depression and isolation.  I especially feel isolated when ry is out of town.

At work....apparently I'm a spaz (suprise!) and I (what's the word for taking on too many projects at once?) am a task driver or something.  I wish I could not be so much of a spaz but it's me.  I am like that.  I also need to learn to just not say stuff.  I speak true, I speak what I feel but I also only say stuff that I don't think would hurt that persons's feelings because it's important to me that my actions are not the cause of someone else's hurt. I do sometimes (probably more often than I realize) say things that do hurt people, I'm just an inconsiderate jerk sometimes I guess.   I live like this in my personal life as well, which is the reason I have trouble communicating  sometimes.  I just can't come out and say things that need to be said because I know they will hurt the person's feelings.  So, one more reason I suck.  Also, I am easily frustrated, but I try to control myself.

Anyway, I have to get back to being a medium to fair parent and medium to fair watershed super.  And with this blog post that I am writing while taking care of childrens as well, well, I'm obviously well organized in my thoughts and stuff, too.

Gah.

Look how pretty she is when she falls down

So, lots of stuff has happened and I haven't had time to write.  I still don't really have time to write but I wanted to do it so I am.  Asher currently has pneumonia and I think I might have gotten it from him.  Or maybe just seasonal allergies that make my throat hurt and my lungs heavy and itchy.  I don't want to go to the doctor.  I always feel like I'm wasting their time, you know?  There are lots of other people who are much worse off than I am.  Anyway, it's obviously a self worth issue that I need to work on. 

So, we went to California a few weeks ago.  It was so nice.  I almost had to throw some punches at the airport due to rude ass bitches and "sequestration" (because we had to fly during the only week of sequestration...).  Cleveland Hopkins airport doesn't have a "family" security lane like most all other airports.  So we ended up waiting in a 2 1/2 hour security line, negating the 2 hours early arrived to the airport.  I asked for the family line and the TSA agent looked at me like I was some type of slime mold on his shoe.  I was sure we were going to miss our flight and I was freaking out a bit.  Asher and Seiry were out of their minds in line, which is why there is a line for families, so other people don't have to be subjected to your horrible monsters when they lose their shit.  Anyway, finally a hospitality guy at the airport grabs me gently by the shoulder and puts us in the "first class" security lane.  We bust through security and run the Lent of the airport all the way down to the gate where our United flight was getting ready to leave. 

Now, I bought a non stop flight with business class seats.  It was more expensive but Ry is tall and I was sitting with a baby on my lap.  I felt my sanity was worth the extra money.  The airline thought we were just throwing money around cause we are awesome.  Not the case.  We get to the gate, the airplane is fully loaded and almost leaving.  "Whoo....just in time" i thought to myself.  Then ryan's ticket beep-booped and the lady told him to go to the desk.  And that lady (who will will call Sassy Sally or SS from here on out) assigned him a seat 11 rows away from me and both kids in coach. 

Here's the dialog:
Me: that's not gonna work.  I paid for extra for these tickets and I am not sitting without you with our kids
Ry: What should I do?
Me: Make her fix it
Ry: We paid for business class
SS: Well, you should have gotten here sooner.  Someone else is in that seat now.

Here is about where my temper was eroded away by security, kids, airports in general, the impeding loss of our flight and one bitchy and unhelpful sassy sally.....

Me: No.  I am not getting on this plane until he is sitting next to me.  No one wants to sit next to me and two kids.  No one.  Believe me.  You are going to fix this.  It's your job.
SS: Do you want me to fix this (as rudely as someone can say this.  The snark level was through the roof:
Me: YES! I do!  (duh?)
Ry: And you can do it without all of the attitude, too. 

She pecked angrily at the keyboard for a while then says "I have to go move the person from their seat".  And I said, " you mean from our seats.  Thanks!"

Oh...the anger.  I was so angry.

Anyway.  Then our flight sat on the tarmac for 30 more minutes due to sequestration (planned waiting) which means that we would have missed our flights had we not been taken out of line by that nice hospitality guy and the plane would have still been there!  FUUUUUUUUU.

California was awesome, as usual.  Too short, though.  I miss the Cali crew bunches already. 

We had this weight loss thing at work, 16 weeks that started back in January.  Unfortunately, even though I ran and lost some weight and got into the best shape of my life (even better than beach body insanity times but only because I did beach body...)I still lost.  I only had 6% body fat loss.  So, sad for me.  But I'm now training to run a couple of 5Ks.  And I have a fitness coach and a nutrition coach.  So, good for me.  I need new goals so I keep running.  I haven't been running this week because my lungs are itchy but I'll pick it up soon. 

Anyway, really gotta go to work.  Later gaters.

The party is just me in the corner

I am in a bad mood for no reason today.  I have no idea why.  I mean, both kids (kinda) slept in til 7:30 and that is a freaking miracle in itself.  I got my hair cut and highlighted yesterday but...I don't like it.  I don't know.  Ry told me it looks good.  I don't know why I don't like it.  I wish I had gotten it more colored than I did.  It's also...kinda poofy.  I hope that once I wash out the styling product it calms down a bit.  She was giving me a "no maintenance" kind of hair cut....I hope that it really is.  I feel like I look silly.

Oh, and also I hate how long my primadonna husband takes in the bathroom every single time.  It's like he needs a half hour of prep time before his bathroom necessities begin.  It drives me crazy because I can't even  pee without at least one kid hanging on me but he gets four or five bathroom respites a day.  And he gets to shower without any kids during the day.  If I try to take a shower in the day at least everyone is there to get a  matinee performance in my tiny ass bathroom. And they leave the door wide open to let all of the nice warm residual shower air out.  That's why I have to shower at night, after the kids go to bed.  Cause I don't want an audience.  If I wanted an audience while I was in the shower then I would be doing it in the "Champagne room" and getting paid a lot more for it than I do at my current job.

I wanted to have left for the store already at this point but I'm still waiting on the bathroom primadonna to get out of there and get some clothes on.  Ahh......the lamentations of a parent.  I miss the days where I didn't have to do anything except wonder what I was going to do with all of my free time on the weekends.  I need to spend one day in a multiverse where I didn't have kids. I would come back but....just one day to see what life would have been like.  Maybe I'd come back and totally be thankful for my kids and life and feel great to wake up in the middle of the night all the time and have my son tell me that all the food that I cook tastes like the worst food he has ever eaten.  Or...maybe I'd hang out there and enjoy being an adult child for a while longer....

I crashed my car into the bridge and sat and watched it burn

So........

First rant of the day is...why are there all of these "no kids" weddings of late?  And no kid receptions.  Why do you even other inviting me?  You have alienated half of my family.  I understand that you might be thinking "oh, what a great opportunity for you to get a baby sitter and come hang out with adults" and what I am thinking is "I have to find a sitter and hopefully it's someone who won't let my heathens burn down my house.  And then I'll spend the whole night worrying if they are burning the house down or if Asher has trampled his sister into the ground or if Seiry bit the babysitter (or the cat). Oh, and I can't ask my usual sitter because she is 73 and just spend the whole day watching them.  F@*%$"

Why aren't my kids invited to your wedding?  Are they second class citizens?  Oh well.  I really like to go to weddings but...without my kids, it's probably a no go.  I get it but....if you want me and other parents to come..oh wait, maybe you don't know any other parents.  Well, just wait till you have kids and people ask you to come to their "adults only" events and then what?  Even if I do get a sitter, Seiry is currently super Mommy-centric right now and she holds grudges (meaning she won't sleep that night and is a horrible human being the whole next day to pay you back for going out for one night).  So, that's awesome, too. Just wait...you're day will come.  And you will be reading my blog and saying, oh man, she is such a soothsayer, she really does know what she's talking about and I totally relate to everything she says.  Best blog ever.

Oh wait, you won't be saying that, because it's 99% not true.   But that 1%, man you will really connect with.

I totally had another reason to write a blog today but after Asher just trampled his sister and is now prodding her with a little stick I really can't focus on much of anything.

So...

Light em' up-up-up, I'm on fire

So, we are fighting a losing battle with Seiry and her sleep habits.  She is a night owl, just like most of the bratty 9 month olds out there.  For some reason, kids start sleeping through the night normally at about 7-8 months old.  Then, all of a sudden, they are assholes and decide that their night isn't complete unless they are keeping everyone they love up for two hours in the wee hours of the dark sleepy time. 

Well, last night we took a stand. And 40 sobbying, snotty, screaming, lonely minutes later...she was asleep.  We were frazzled and stressed but she slept like the proverbial baby (what a misnomer, no baby sleeps "like a baby"  or if that does mean that, I'm pretty sure that sleeping like a baby means that you absoluely refuse to sleep unless you are being held and you will scream bloody murder if you don't get your way).  By the way, none of this pics are mine, obviously.  Thank you for commiserating, internets.

Know that the path is never long

So...I hit Ryan's car today.  In the driveway.  Parked behind my car.  Cause that's how awesome I am.  I suck.  I told him last night jokingly that if he didn't move it into the garage that I might accidentally hit it.  And this morning, i looked at it, noticed it, then completely forgot about it as I was trying to angle out of the garage.  Awwww.....yeaaaa... But, it made me think...I am pretty sure this is the first car accident that I have been in that is my fault.  So, I guess that's a pretty good track record.

Nope.  I still suck.  I wonder if this is any indication on what kind of day I will have today.  I am going to a canoe livery opening today.  Maybe I shouldn't drive.

I got Teavana tea the other day.  It's awesome.  White tea earl gray.  For the win.  But...I lost it.  It really isn't my day.

So back up some more, and let me take it off

A reflection of the week.  It seems all my weeks end up being so similar to other weeks that I don't have stuff to write even though stuff has happened to me. Like mean lady and then forced to apologize lady (the one and same and it wasn't me).

I have discovered a love-hate relationship with running.  I kind of hate running when I start.  When I finish I feel great.  When I hear a good song it makes me want to run.  What a weird girl.

Anyway, no time to write, seems like a likely story.  What an excuse.

I won't regret saying this, this thing, that I'm saying

I'm not sure when in my life that it happened, when I began to only feel any accomplishment of mine was validated if it was received well on Facebook. To the point where I felt that events in my life were only great if they got so many likes.  I mean, I am obviously not overwhelmingly like that but it's enough that I have started to feel Facebook depressed.  I wonder if that's a thing.  I'm going to look it up, hold on. Yup...good old internet comes through again.  According to this article, which is the only one I read because I am watching both kids and writing a blog and obviously this means I have a whole bunch of time to do a real bang up research job on this topic, I am in the secondary category, the "lack of feedback" makes a girl real sad.  I mean, envy is a little bit as well, but only in the fact that other people get tons of feedback and have conversations on facebook and all I get is a few thumbs ups from people who probably pity my pathetic Facebook existence.   

Oh well, honestly I don't really care. Or rather, I am going to make myself not care.  I am going on a strike against Facebook.  I will continue to occasionally check in on Facebook but I am going to try to stop obsessively checking it several times a day.  I mean, mostly I just read George Takai and I fucking love science.  I don't need to prove to myself that the things I do are meaningful by getting a bunch of "likes" on Facebook.  I can do that by being proud of myself and sharing my accomplishments and failures with my friends and family the way people used to do.  By blog.  Wait, no, I fucked that up again.  I mean by talking and emailing and calling and writing long handwritten letters and blogging.  Well, I have to vent somewhere, right?  And, I can feel solace in the fact that this is a very under read blog and that no one will really hear what I have to say unless they search it out.  Or I post it on Facebook.  Which I probably will.  But not as obsessively.  Maybe.

As hollow as the O in God

The Mormons came to my house today.  They gave us a card with their Disney castle headquarters on it hoping to sway us into the faith.  It was not quite like the last time where they shoveled my driveway for me.  Well, not my driveway but the neighbor's drive way but who's really paying attention? It's always so weird for me, I wonder what kind of balls you have to have A: ask someone to spend their weekends going door to door knocking on complete stranger's doors like a travelling soul saving salesperson, and B: to be the person who just knocks on complete stranger's door and almost sickeningly jubilant tells me what a great day it is to be a Mormon.

After Ryan politely told the girl we were not interested in unsolicited soul service we discussed Mormons a little bit.  Ry wanted to know if they would let him see their Mormon underwear and then maybe let us film a Harlem Shake video with Mormons in their sacred bullet and fire proof underroos.  I told him I didn't think that they would let us film that at all even if they were down for doing the Harlem Shake (I mean, who isn't?).  I did find out that even though that LDS site says the Garments can only be gotten at the Latter Day Saint's special groupie store, I found some on Etsy.  Cause Etsy is awesome.

Who wants to film a Mormon Harlem Shake?  Or perhaps a Mormon/Amish combo?  I mean, as long as we are being religiously insensitive right now, let's really go for it, eh? I checked and there isn't one with both.....

A small pause with an oddness and a stillness that felt...ominious

Sooooo.......

Just got back from volunteering at a fund raiser preparation thingy for Asher's school.  With a bunch of rich mommies.

Guess who's feelings of self worth are about.... nonexistent.  I was hoping to make some friends or something but I couldn't really find anything to talk to these women about. I overheard conversations about how only having one maid really means you don't have time to do anything and about which private soccer coach is the best.

Where do I jump into that conversation? Oh, hey ladies.  I know how hard it is to only have one maid.  I mean, mine is a super mega bitch, too.  She tells my kids what to do all the time and makes her husband..eh-hem, I mean she makes my husband clean the cat box and sometimes do laundry.  I'd really get rid of her if she also didn't double as our wet nurse.  Maybe after Seiry is weaned we can fire her and find someone more... efficient and dependable and nice. Cause man, she really can be a bitch.

Oh man, now I totally fit in.  Oh wait, did you think I actually talked to anyone?  I tried twice and felt awkward and unwanted so I just worked and listened.  Oh, and did I mention that no one would work by me for like an hour, like I have poorness leprosy and man, I'm pretty sure we just saw her nose fall off.  Don't say anything.  No, don't look.  Oh, you looked.  Did she see you look?  Probably not, I heard that poor people don't eat very well and I see she has glasses.

We are not poor by the way.  I mean, we aren't rich but we do okay.  But...going home from the hostess's house to our house, which is only a few roads away, made me feel that if any of those women drove down my street they would lock their car doors as they drove by.

Sorry.  I'm sure these were nice ladies and that they would be very accepting of me.  But I am kind of shy, I really can be, especially around other women.  And it was stressful and intimidating and it helps to make fun of it.

walking the fine line between fact and fiction.

Sitting in the lobby if the sboro dunkin donuts waiting for the lady from the citizens group for lake stuff to show up. Bought chai that is horrible for me, I can see through the decadence to know its gonna go straight to my already huge ads. Or maybe my thighs, they divvy the fat evenly. I should have asked for soymilk but I didn't think about it until it would have been rude to change my order. She's here now. We talked about stuff but nothing real. I sounded interested but I know that nothing will probably come from this meeting. Brought back guilt bagels for the plant. Not enough, only half a dozen. They assuage my guilt from sitting in the dining area without buying stuff. At least I didn't buy the little hash rounds I wanted. You know, for my butt.

This ain't the simple life but it's the only life I know

So, I've been reading this investigation stuff that another co-worker found at work when I asked for what the original channel of the Cuyahoga River looked like before there was a dam in Franklin Twp.  It does not have what the original river channel looks like but I have some nerdy history friends who have an old plot book from the turn of the century (the one previous to the one we just experienced) and they are sending me the maps so yippie for that (I have the best friends).

Anyway, this stuff, a 1071 page pdf called "NEW ARCHIVES", is my current obsession at work.  I think it's amazing.  It's full of what my nerdy history friends call "primary sources" dating from 1918 to somewhere after 1950 or later perhaps, I'm not done perusing this file.  And it's def an obsession.  I've been reading it two weeks now.  A few pages here, a hundred pages there.  Printing out the interesting stuff.  I seriously want to write a book.  This file is the life story of Akron Water Supply and the Cuyahoga River and the beginnings of the Metroparks and environmental stewardship.  It's so interesting.  I mean, I know I'm nerding out a bit but....I'm 604 pages in and I can't seem to stop myself.  Would you read a book about it if I wrote one?  I was thinking about trying to write a journal article for AWWA on the history of the Cuyahoga River as far as conservation goes or maybe something on the creation of the Akron Water system.  But...do other people care, I mean other than me, my boss and my history nerd friends?      

Every drink, now without Pollywogs!  You know, this is crazy to me.  People who are still alive used to drink water with pollywogs in it.  There's another article somewhere in this mess that states that Typhoid cases are down with Akron's new water system.  And people complain if the water has a slight taste or odor now to it, what did they do when they had small macro invertebrates swimming in their water glasses and bathtubs?  I'm sure they still complained.  By letter.  Or western reserve telegram.  Or to their horse.  

A completely different river....

I wish I had an alternate reality time machine where I could visit and see this crazy Hiram Reservoir, proposed to hold 46 billion gallons of water and be 11 miles long.  This idea was kicked around for at least 40 years.  Probably even longer, I haven't read that far yet.  Land was purchased, industry wars were fought between private water suppliers and the cities of Cleveland and Akron.  It's some amazing stuff.  

This one is amusing to me because they are claiming that the Akron Water Supply (completely a municipality run water supply) was a "sample reservoir" for the Western Reserve Water Company and that they had anything to do with the quality of the treated water coming out of Lake Rockwell, even if they did sort of suggest the reservoir to be built, kind of sort of, at this point it seems like it's a "he said she said" but with more men and less women argument between the City and the engineers at WRWC.  

I obviously have a loyalty to AWS but I think this stuff is awesome.  I could post a ton more stuff and I probably will at some point.  Maybe I'll just take some points and write really well thought out and articulate articles on my blog.  See, that was a joke.  For lots of reasons.  

A hundred different ways to cause hysteria

Slacking off at work today.  I am going to get motivated in just a minute or so.  After I write this.

Rented John Dies at the End last night.  Not impressed.  Parts of it were okay.  I prefer the books hardcore over the movie.  Ry wasn't disappointed but Dave and I were. They just tried to fit too much into one movie, they should have split the book up and either made the book based on the first half of the book or the second half of the book.  Instead they mashed thing up and forced things together and basically (as Dave said) made a Sci-fi original of the whole thing.  Disappointing.  It had tons of potential and it was the first movie in a long time I was willing to risk getting a babysitter past bedtime for to go out and see.  I guess I'm glad Amazon let me rent it instead (and that it isn't playing anywhere around here).

Before glazing, after throwing and paining

After glazing. 

In use with Bleu Peacock Oolong Tea. 

I'm sitting here at work drinking oolong tea from my new mug.  That I made.  From clay.  With my hands.  Which is awesome.  All sorts of awesome.

Planning for the trip to California.  Something to look forward to for sure.

I want to go back to the pottery place.  It was very therapeutic   Relaxing and creative.  Sometimes it's hard to feel like your own person, you know? Maybe.

Still running, if you were curious.  I'm down some amount of pounds.  Why is the abbreviation for pounds lb?  I'm sure it's Latin, which means I should know.  But I don't.  I could look it up. But I'm not going to.  I'm going to go to work now.

let yourself float above the notion we're gonna work it out

Writing this on my tablet tonight while feeding the baby. Bought our plane tickets to California. I'm nervous, a nonstop flight with both kids.... Seiry will only be nine months old, too. We have never flown w a baby so young before-. And I also hate spending so much money at once. I can't help it, I have a hard time buying expensive things. I think it was from growing up poor. Ah well, we got by.

Why do I empathize with the bad guys? In movies and TV shows, unless there's no redeeming qualities at all, I always feel bad for the bad guys. Does that mean I must secretly think I'm a villain in the story I've written?

It ain't easy to go to heaven when we're all going down

It's difficult to respect yourself when you don't have any self respect.  It's hard to have self confidence when you aren't confident in yourself.  Do you see where I'm going with this? 

A few days of no sleep.  I'm still kind of depressed.  It's an angry depression this time.  I'm tired and angry that I'm tired and I'm grumpy and tired of being grumpy.  Rocking out to David Bowie this morning.  It's good.  I need a run today.  Doing well with the running, thanks for asking. 

Wish I was more awesome than I am.  I wish I felt more awesome than I am at least, so I could fake being awesome.  I think that is what puts the "lie" in believe, faking being awesome.

some short stories

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2010/04/jolene.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2010/04/just-something-i-felt-like-writing.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2012/02/30-day-writing-challenge-day-3being.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2012/02/30-day-writing-challenge-day-3being.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2011/04/folded-note.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2010/11/dead-eyes.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2010/10/thoughts-ona-rainy-drive-home.html

http://thefidge.blogspot.com/2010/09/working-at-night-can-be-creepy.html

though my record will say it, no one will play it

Because, you know, sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year.

I saw this user generated article on Cracked.com about life statistics and I thought I'd like to generate some statistics for my life.

My life:

• 11447 days old (1635.3 weeks)
• 1,052,800 grains (weight) see what I did there with my water math?
• Number of times I've contracted parasites by choice: 2
• Years spent in school: 19
• Cost of 19 years of school: 
• k-12 in a public school system (averaged)=$54,963 (Thanks tax payers)
• 2 years part time at a community college studying Japanese = $2000
• 4 years plus 2 summers at a state college = $40,000
• How much of the college I paid for myself (including grants) = $40,000
• Grand total cost = $96,963
• Average pay before graduation: $6.78 per hour
• Average pay after College graduation: $13.13 per hour
• Age entered the work force (under the table): 14
• Age entered the work force (legitimately): 16
• Number of jobs I've had to date: 14 (alpha, subway, walmart (x4, pharmacy manager, jewelry associate, cashier, customer service manager), NAS, davey tree, college researcher (aquatic invertebrates and neurobiology (x2), leafguard, sea world, water supply, perkins)
• Number of jobs I've been fired from: 0
• Longest stint at any one job: water supply, 5 years

Other stuff: 

• Number of science fiction movie marathons attended: 14
• Number of haunted houses I've visited: 88 (fuzzy math)
• Times I've moved: 11
• Cities of residence: Akron, Ravenna, Streetsboro, Kent, Bedford, Northfield, Twinsburg/Hudson
• Number of homes I own: 2
• Number of homes I want to own: 1
• Pets owned: 
• Dogs: 5
• Cats: 3
• Horses: 0 (I had a major problem with this when I was younger)
• Fish: 25 (fuzzy math)
• Birds: 4 (I hate birds)
• Snakes: 1 (I also hate snakes)
• Cows: 8 (by proxy)
• Guinea Pigs: 1
• Number of nerf weapons currently owned: 10
• Nerf wars (official) held at my house: 3
• Highest level attained in Dungeons and Dragons starting at level 1: 12
• Number of songs I own that are uploaded to the internet: 14,578 

Places I've been (ohio doesn't count): 

• San Francisco/San Jose/Mountain View
• Napa Valley, CA
• Gilroy, CA
• Yokohama, Japan
• Tokyo, Japan
• Kyoto, Japan
• Hiroshima, Japan
• Maui, Hawaii
• Grand Bahama Island
• Orlando, FL
• Pittsburg, PA
• Middle of nowhere PA
• Covington, KY
• London, KY
• Nashville/Clarksville, TN
• NYC/Queens/Brooklyn
• Lake Chataqua, NY
• Niagara Falls, Ontario
• Toronto, Ontario
• Washington, D.C.

This was fun but I'm sure you've had enough.  If not, though, let me know what other statistics you'd like to know. 

There's a path running under the city

Science Fiction Movie Marathon was pretty awesome.  I think it was the warmest one on record, 50 degrees.  So weird.  Today is like 8 with wind chill, I think the weather got the invitation to the event late.  It' usually much more like that.  Also, if you haven't seen my facebook post about it, surprise wedding in steam punk.  Ry and I considered asking if we could get married at the marathon but then thought better of it when we remembered our families would never ever forgive us.  I kind of wish we had ignored that and done it our way.  I was a little jealous.  Good for Brooke and Christian.  And...there was cake, so you know I was happy.

So, that was fun.  I have no idea what the formatting is going to look like with these, it looks way wonky in my workspace.  Oh well.  We could only come for a few movies this year, we were there for about 10 hours or so... Next year we are going to take Asher for a few movies and then drop him off and come back.  I think he will like that.  He told us this year that we went to see a bunch of boring old movies that smelled like dust.  Where do kids come up with this stuff?

Here's some cool pics of frozen grass I saw when I was working last week.

I have to go with Seiry alone to get vaccinations today because I messed up the schedule for my day off.  Ry and Asher are at the dentist now....wish me luck, I suck at this, I feel guilty and have a really hard time holding her while she screams bloody murder.  It fucks with my nerves, you know?

And then, fussy baby all day long.  Gonna be a fun one.