Cause lately I've been seeing things I cannot believe

Just a short post.  Lots of depression lately.  Not sure if it's just regular depression or if it's from me being over-reacty or something.  Feeling isolated and alone.  It's so weird, there are so many people around and they are all lonely.  I don't know how to meet people.  I wouldn't think I'm shy but I guess I am a bit.

I'm running my first 5k this saturday.  I'm not ready.  I don't think I ever will be.  I lost a lot of fat from running so I'm proud of how I look which is why I keep running, ...I've been running for the last 8 months, but I still only run about 2-2 1/2 miles before I am not good at the running anymore and decide to move on to the walking and then stretching (sometimes) and sitting (always) afterwards.  I need to be better.  But....I'm not.  Sorry, myself, that you are disappointed in me.  Or that I'm disappointed in you, but you is me.  You get it.

I'm gonna go shower.

Baby, I'm baaaaaackkkk!!

I guess I'm back from a lot of things.  I'm back from a busy summer hiatus.  I'm back from a mommy escape weekend to Portland, Oregon with my bestie Ann.  I'm back to work from just two days off (Portland was a long weekend) and I come back to 6 angry voicemails from people who didn't pay their bills over the last three years and 45 emails.  This is not normal for me.  I guess I was just missed.  And this morning?  You know what I came into this morning?

I'll give you a hint.

I'll give you another hint.  It's 4 feet of not supposed to be here.  Welcome back to work!  

It's always exciting around here.  I am living through the first of hopefully not so many experiences of having to go against my personal morals on a project due to higher-ups.  I am sure it is not the last time and that's a bitter pill to take.  I have a lot of freedom to do what I think is best for the City so I have to just keep doing things that I think make a positive difference and keep working for the greater good as best I can.  

Want to see some photos from Portland?  Course you do. 

McMenamins Crystal Hotel.  

 

Ann and Clarice in our room. Don't look at me like that, Clarice...

Waterfall at the Japanese Gardens by the Rose Test Gardens (which we didn't go to)

Ann at the Japanese tea gardens

Then we went to the Chinese Tea Gardens, it was a tea garden battle royal!

But the Chinese tea gardens actually had teas to drink so they win.  

Ann got the maple blunt and I got the gay bar. 

Then we went to Voodoo Donuts.  They were intense.
Not as intense as the line to get the donuts, though...

Foo Dog in Chinatown

Food carts everywhere.  Seriously, these were the places that I ate the best.  So good....

It was seriously the best food on my trip, and the best pic of the trip.  The best pic, me stuffing my face.  But so happy. 

Treat yo'self!!!!

Just keeping it weird. 

And the kids, holding down the fort at the Cleveland Zoo while mama was out.  

Photos not listed...our kick ass night at the gay bar Silverado.  It was an excellent time.

Thanks Ann for an awesome mama getaway treat yo'self weekend!

Whoa, where did the party go?

This blog post was going to be all sorts of things.  It was going to talk about the trauma of breaking Rosie's finger in the car door and that whole drama, of hurting my knee, of the failure to be an independent woman with children.  All sorts of things.  I actually wrote a well thought out blog in my head on my drive home from work before I got the kids yesterday.  I thought it was good.  I have no idea what it said now, because my memory sucks in the worst kind of way, as all of you know.

I think this one is going to be random and touch on my depression (honestly, who isn't depressed?) and my general lack of stuff.  Not physical stuff, like most people we have lots of stuff.  Of stuff, like you know, the ability (or lack thereof) to manage all of my work load with the current small (but amazing) staff that I have.  The ability (or lack thereof) to manage my home life with my crazy (and awesome) family.  Of feeling isolated in a place where I have lots of friends and family.  I know that what happened the night I broke Rosie's finger was one of those weird situations where no one was around but it left me feeling isolated and alone and unimportant.  And I know that my family is now upset with me.  But I'm upset and I feel I have a right to be upset.  But...of course I don't.  Whatever.  I don't really want to air it all on the internet.  I just was putting it out there to explain my depression and isolation.  I especially feel isolated when ry is out of town.

At work....apparently I'm a spaz (suprise!) and I (what's the word for taking on too many projects at once?) am a task driver or something.  I wish I could not be so much of a spaz but it's me.  I am like that.  I also need to learn to just not say stuff.  I speak true, I speak what I feel but I also only say stuff that I don't think would hurt that persons's feelings because it's important to me that my actions are not the cause of someone else's hurt. I do sometimes (probably more often than I realize) say things that do hurt people, I'm just an inconsiderate jerk sometimes I guess.   I live like this in my personal life as well, which is the reason I have trouble communicating  sometimes.  I just can't come out and say things that need to be said because I know they will hurt the person's feelings.  So, one more reason I suck.  Also, I am easily frustrated, but I try to control myself.

Anyway, I have to get back to being a medium to fair parent and medium to fair watershed super.  And with this blog post that I am writing while taking care of childrens as well, well, I'm obviously well organized in my thoughts and stuff, too.

Gah.

Look how pretty she is when she falls down

So, lots of stuff has happened and I haven't had time to write.  I still don't really have time to write but I wanted to do it so I am.  Asher currently has pneumonia and I think I might have gotten it from him.  Or maybe just seasonal allergies that make my throat hurt and my lungs heavy and itchy.  I don't want to go to the doctor.  I always feel like I'm wasting their time, you know?  There are lots of other people who are much worse off than I am.  Anyway, it's obviously a self worth issue that I need to work on. 

So, we went to California a few weeks ago.  It was so nice.  I almost had to throw some punches at the airport due to rude ass bitches and "sequestration" (because we had to fly during the only week of sequestration...).  Cleveland Hopkins airport doesn't have a "family" security lane like most all other airports.  So we ended up waiting in a 2 1/2 hour security line, negating the 2 hours early arrived to the airport.  I asked for the family line and the TSA agent looked at me like I was some type of slime mold on his shoe.  I was sure we were going to miss our flight and I was freaking out a bit.  Asher and Seiry were out of their minds in line, which is why there is a line for families, so other people don't have to be subjected to your horrible monsters when they lose their shit.  Anyway, finally a hospitality guy at the airport grabs me gently by the shoulder and puts us in the "first class" security lane.  We bust through security and run the Lent of the airport all the way down to the gate where our United flight was getting ready to leave. 

Now, I bought a non stop flight with business class seats.  It was more expensive but Ry is tall and I was sitting with a baby on my lap.  I felt my sanity was worth the extra money.  The airline thought we were just throwing money around cause we are awesome.  Not the case.  We get to the gate, the airplane is fully loaded and almost leaving.  "Whoo....just in time" i thought to myself.  Then ryan's ticket beep-booped and the lady told him to go to the desk.  And that lady (who will will call Sassy Sally or SS from here on out) assigned him a seat 11 rows away from me and both kids in coach. 

Here's the dialog:
Me: that's not gonna work.  I paid for extra for these tickets and I am not sitting without you with our kids
Ry: What should I do?
Me: Make her fix it
Ry: We paid for business class
SS: Well, you should have gotten here sooner.  Someone else is in that seat now.

Here is about where my temper was eroded away by security, kids, airports in general, the impeding loss of our flight and one bitchy and unhelpful sassy sally.....

Me: No.  I am not getting on this plane until he is sitting next to me.  No one wants to sit next to me and two kids.  No one.  Believe me.  You are going to fix this.  It's your job.
SS: Do you want me to fix this (as rudely as someone can say this.  The snark level was through the roof:
Me: YES! I do!  (duh?)
Ry: And you can do it without all of the attitude, too. 

She pecked angrily at the keyboard for a while then says "I have to go move the person from their seat".  And I said, " you mean from our seats.  Thanks!"

Oh...the anger.  I was so angry.

Anyway.  Then our flight sat on the tarmac for 30 more minutes due to sequestration (planned waiting) which means that we would have missed our flights had we not been taken out of line by that nice hospitality guy and the plane would have still been there!  FUUUUUUUUU.

California was awesome, as usual.  Too short, though.  I miss the Cali crew bunches already. 

We had this weight loss thing at work, 16 weeks that started back in January.  Unfortunately, even though I ran and lost some weight and got into the best shape of my life (even better than beach body insanity times but only because I did beach body...)I still lost.  I only had 6% body fat loss.  So, sad for me.  But I'm now training to run a couple of 5Ks.  And I have a fitness coach and a nutrition coach.  So, good for me.  I need new goals so I keep running.  I haven't been running this week because my lungs are itchy but I'll pick it up soon. 

Anyway, really gotta go to work.  Later gaters.

The party is just me in the corner

I am in a bad mood for no reason today.  I have no idea why.  I mean, both kids (kinda) slept in til 7:30 and that is a freaking miracle in itself.  I got my hair cut and highlighted yesterday but...I don't like it.  I don't know.  Ry told me it looks good.  I don't know why I don't like it.  I wish I had gotten it more colored than I did.  It's also...kinda poofy.  I hope that once I wash out the styling product it calms down a bit.  She was giving me a "no maintenance" kind of hair cut....I hope that it really is.  I feel like I look silly.

Oh, and also I hate how long my primadonna husband takes in the bathroom every single time.  It's like he needs a half hour of prep time before his bathroom necessities begin.  It drives me crazy because I can't even  pee without at least one kid hanging on me but he gets four or five bathroom respites a day.  And he gets to shower without any kids during the day.  If I try to take a shower in the day at least everyone is there to get a  matinee performance in my tiny ass bathroom. And they leave the door wide open to let all of the nice warm residual shower air out.  That's why I have to shower at night, after the kids go to bed.  Cause I don't want an audience.  If I wanted an audience while I was in the shower then I would be doing it in the "Champagne room" and getting paid a lot more for it than I do at my current job.

I wanted to have left for the store already at this point but I'm still waiting on the bathroom primadonna to get out of there and get some clothes on.  Ahh......the lamentations of a parent.  I miss the days where I didn't have to do anything except wonder what I was going to do with all of my free time on the weekends.  I need to spend one day in a multiverse where I didn't have kids. I would come back but....just one day to see what life would have been like.  Maybe I'd come back and totally be thankful for my kids and life and feel great to wake up in the middle of the night all the time and have my son tell me that all the food that I cook tastes like the worst food he has ever eaten.  Or...maybe I'd hang out there and enjoy being an adult child for a while longer....

I crashed my car into the bridge and sat and watched it burn

So........

First rant of the day is...why are there all of these "no kids" weddings of late?  And no kid receptions.  Why do you even other inviting me?  You have alienated half of my family.  I understand that you might be thinking "oh, what a great opportunity for you to get a baby sitter and come hang out with adults" and what I am thinking is "I have to find a sitter and hopefully it's someone who won't let my heathens burn down my house.  And then I'll spend the whole night worrying if they are burning the house down or if Asher has trampled his sister into the ground or if Seiry bit the babysitter (or the cat). Oh, and I can't ask my usual sitter because she is 73 and just spend the whole day watching them.  F@*%$"

Why aren't my kids invited to your wedding?  Are they second class citizens?  Oh well.  I really like to go to weddings but...without my kids, it's probably a no go.  I get it but....if you want me and other parents to come..oh wait, maybe you don't know any other parents.  Well, just wait till you have kids and people ask you to come to their "adults only" events and then what?  Even if I do get a sitter, Seiry is currently super Mommy-centric right now and she holds grudges (meaning she won't sleep that night and is a horrible human being the whole next day to pay you back for going out for one night).  So, that's awesome, too. Just wait...you're day will come.  And you will be reading my blog and saying, oh man, she is such a soothsayer, she really does know what she's talking about and I totally relate to everything she says.  Best blog ever.

Oh wait, you won't be saying that, because it's 99% not true.   But that 1%, man you will really connect with.

I totally had another reason to write a blog today but after Asher just trampled his sister and is now prodding her with a little stick I really can't focus on much of anything.

So...

Light em' up-up-up, I'm on fire

So, we are fighting a losing battle with Seiry and her sleep habits.  She is a night owl, just like most of the bratty 9 month olds out there.  For some reason, kids start sleeping through the night normally at about 7-8 months old.  Then, all of a sudden, they are assholes and decide that their night isn't complete unless they are keeping everyone they love up for two hours in the wee hours of the dark sleepy time. 

Well, last night we took a stand. And 40 sobbying, snotty, screaming, lonely minutes later...she was asleep.  We were frazzled and stressed but she slept like the proverbial baby (what a misnomer, no baby sleeps "like a baby"  or if that does mean that, I'm pretty sure that sleeping like a baby means that you absoluely refuse to sleep unless you are being held and you will scream bloody murder if you don't get your way).  By the way, none of this pics are mine, obviously.  Thank you for commiserating, internets.