Well, I thought about the army, dad said son, you're f*cking high

There was a time when I was going to join the army.  Honestly.  Bet you didn't know that.  Or, perhaps you did.  It's kind of ironic (coincidental?  I always get those two wrong, me and Alanis Morriset) because I was going to train in the army to be a water treatment officer or something like that, it's been 13 years don't hold me to remembering the exact terms, and now I am working in local government in the water business some time later.  I guess it's full circle.  It makes me think that perhaps this is always what I was supposed to be doing.  If you believe in that kind of thing.  Which I don't, but sometimes this kind of thing makes me wonder.

I took today off of work even though I can't really afford the time right now.  I just needed a day.  Asher has been super bad lately, I don't know what is wrong with him.  Every. Single. Little. Thing. Is. A. Battle.  I put periods behind each word just to emphasize how much I am stressing each work.  Everything out of my mouth is a challenge for him to fight.  Asher, put your shoes on.  NO! Followed by a tantrum.  Asher, do you what do you want to eat for dinner?  "Pez and cookies."  You can have those for dessert.  NO!  NOT DESSERT!  NOW!  GO AWAY MAMA!.  you get the idea, right?  Rosie cannot get him to nap.  She does things that are counter productive when I'm trying to discipline him, like offer to give him what he wants.  (Who's in charge of whom, eh?)  It got so bad yesterday that he bit me in front of Rosie and Richard and Katya.  It was partially Rosie's fault and Katya's fault, katya's for being bad and Rosie for giving in to Asher when he wanted to be the same kind of bad.  He bit me hard, too.  I have never wanted to shake my son as much as I did yesterday.  Instead, we went to time out in the middle of the driveway with me holding him down until he calmed down and the whole crew just watching in embarrassment.  It was super awesome.

Work is also really stressful right now, trying to get all of my work done, wordsmith some grant applications by June 1st, get the WCP going and ready to roll without me, train new people, learn my new job, research some property stuff, continue to monitor the watershed and get the WMP finalized before I leave.  All in just about 8 weeks, give or take.  So, no stress, right?

Yeah, I think I deserve it, I am taking a "me" day.

Originally I wanted to use a groupon I had bought a while back for a Mani-Pedi but I waited too long to schedule it and they were booked.  So then I wanted to go see Dark Shadows since it came out today but...the first time it plays is during my Dr.s appt and so I can't go see it, either.  I don't want to just stay at home, I will totally just do housework all day and not relax.  I don't know what to do....  This is turning into a wasted day.  I did get a nice long blog typed up.  And I read the news.  And did my social media stuff.  Do I want to go shopping?  Not really....I always get depressed shopping alone.  Or just shopping.  And I don't really need anything.

Anyone want to go see dark shadows with me?  Ever since I heard about it on This American Life I have kinda wanted to see it.  Also, has anyone read 50 Shades of Gray?  I heard it's supposed to be good but I don't know if it's the kind of book I'd like, and there are about 1000 people on the library waiting list and I don't want to buy it unless it's really good.

By the way, Ben Folds Five is back together and putting an album out using Kickstarter.  You should check it out, you can download a free song there, too.  I haven't pledged yet because I don't have an account, perhaps I will later...

Oh, and I got a bunch of emails from Jason's old site I used to write for, www.unsoughtinput.com.  I used to write as Alouette on there, check me out.  Here's some of my old favorites of mine: Career Advice: Do Not Listen to Crazy People, An article about water before I even worked in the water biz (has it always been about water with me?  Geez...) and an article about nerd parents.  You know, as I go back through this stuff, I can't believe how much I wrote.  I'm impressing myself.  Anyway, I should probably let you get on with your day, this might be my longest blog on here ever.

What do God and my driveway have in common?

I decided yesterday to steal a post from an old blog (unsoughtinput.com) I used to write for and repost it here.  So if you've read it already I apologize but I think you haven't.  Well, Dave and if Jason ever reads this (highly doubtful), you have, and maybe ann, but other than that...  Also, I had to rewrite some of it, I wasn't very good at writing then or something.  I guess I'm still not but I'm a little better so I made some minor changes. 

Here it is:

Did you know that if you play your cards right, Mormons will shovel your driveway for free?  In the middle of a snow storm?  Let me tell you how.

It's my day off of work and  I decide since it is snowing a lot that I should probably shovel my driveway.  So, I don’t know, it’s probably around 11:30 and I get all ready and go out and to shovel.  As I go out, I see two girls across the street and I figure they are probably are selling something  And, I am cool with that since I used to have to do that crap for band when I was in high school (who hasn't, right?)  So, anyway, I am prepared to buy a band card or whatever magazines they are selling and  I can see that I am in their targets as they make a beeline across the street to where I am dutifully shoveling the 2 feet of snow in my driveway and sidewalk that I shared with my neighbor (I lived in a townhouse at the time ).  By the time I realize the danger I'm in, well, it's too late.

These girls didn't appear to be Mormons, which was my first mistake  I mean, these girls are attractive, one would say cute.  I know I shouldn't think all Mormons are unattractive or something but I was younger and less worldly at the time so back off.  I didn’t know what Mormons looked like before then, but now I know for future reference.  They are going to send out the best looking of their flock to bombard potential brainwashees (did I say that?). I don’t know what I thought Mormons were supposed to look like, but they aren’t supposed to be that attractive.  It’s really a good selling point when you think about it.

Anyway, I digress. Here I was, prepared to buy a stupid magazine I didn’t want when I heard these girls say, “Hey, can we shovel your driveway?"  I felt the fear then and I knew there had to be a catch.  I looked up, and these were not girl scouts trying to earn a new badge.  I immediately saw the name tags.  The names,which I will change for protecting the innocent Mormons or maybe because I already forgot them, were bold on their black name tags in gold lettering stating ‘Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’.  I was confronted by Sister Wayland and Sister Jehoshaphat. Before I could run, Sister Jehoshaphat takes the shovel from my hand, hands me her Book of Mormon and begins to shovel.

I was not prepared for their onslaught.  Like a bunny on the road in front of your gigantic Suburban,  Never had a chance.  They had used their magical Mormon powers to stun me into a stupor whilst I listened with most of my attention to Sister Wayland’s story of how great the church was and how great God is and how great life is.  I am pretty sure she was telling me that everything is great, which is, of course, a lie (like cake and the statement that you can lose cellulose), but they make it seem so easy and appealing.  I mean, I want everything to be great.  I really do, so when she tells me I can have it that way, I want to believe her. And she is cute.  I mean, it’s really hard to say no to a cute girl.  You know what I mean?  So, here I am, listening to her out in the snow and the cold and she just keeps talking and I just keep listening.

Here is an approximation of how the conversation goes:

Sister Wayland: Hi, can we shovel your driveway for you?

Me: Um…what? (as sister Jehoshaphat takes the shovel from me) Ah, okay, sure.

SW: We really like to do nice things for other people.  Can I talk to you for a minute?

Me: (now, how can I turn her down when they are shoveling my driveway?) Ah, sure…

SW: Have you heard of the book of Mormon?

Me: Yeah.

SW: Oh, really? (she is surprised here, like, Mormons are rare mythical creatures that I would never have heard of before) Have you read it?

Me: No.

SW: Oh?  It’s great.  I read from it everyday.  It’s very inspirational.  Have you heard of the bible?

Me: Yeah (seriously?)

SW: So, you know about the book of Mormon?  How have you heard of it?

Me: I have seen other members of your congregation when I lived at my old apartment in Akron.

SW: Is that in Ohio? I am not from here.  In fact, I have only been here for five days.  (for those of you who don’t know where Akron is, it IS, in fact, in Ohio.  In reality, it’s only a half hour drive from where I currently resided at the time, as well)

Me: Yeah. Only for five days? Where are you from?

SW: Utah.  (this really explains a lot, being the Mormon capital of the world)
Me: That's pretty far away.
SW: Yup.  Do you know how great God is?  He's pretty super awesome.  Let me introduce you to his total greatness and overall super awesome-Godliness. 

I mean, this goes on for a while (I might have paraphrased that last part...).  While this is all going on, it is soooo cold outside, her nose is running down her cute little face.  I am feeling kinda bad for her, so I interrupt her very exciting description of how great God is and everything and ask her if she would like some Kleenex.  Unfortunately , I am out of Kleenex since I myself was sick all week, and so all i have to offer her is toilet paper.  How silly.  I was just trying to be nice. We then go back to the description, and then she wants to know if she can come back.  I say “of course” because I just can’t be mean to such nice and pretty girls.  I mean, they are soo nice and soo attractive and I'm a pushover I suppose.  What was I supposed to do?  And now she has my address and my name and my phone number.  So, today I made friends with a Mormon.

After all is said and done, I realize that the Sister Jehoshaphat has shoveled not my driveway but my neighbor’s driveway.  Well, I think the moral of this story is that you should really specify which driveway belongs to you when you sell your worldly soul to members of the Church of Latter-day Saints for a simple service.s.  They did leave me with some very motivational reading material and a plan for calling me for another information session.  I wonder what household chores I can get them to do for me next time they come calling.