Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong

Hello, it's me.

Why, yes, I do only come here when I'm feeling a little self depreciate-y.  I'm glad you noticed.  That will make this much easier for both of us.

I'm hoping that when I'm forty or something that I'll look back at myself and be all like, oh, it was worth it, the self discovery that brought us here.  Cause, woman, you da man.  Or something like that, which does not imply that being a man is better than being a woman.  I'm not turning forty anytime soon, I've got time to work on it.

Oh, look, it's a report...

I had a draft of my first book printed today.  It's 212 pages compiled into a clear covered, 8x11 report by the wonderful UPS store.  Thanks UPS!  Hope I didn't scar you.  Yeah, like you read what I sent you.  That would be a violation of customer confidentiality.  (I know you didn't read it but what did you think? *wink wink nudge nudge*)  Oh, yeah, you totally didn't read it.  Oh, okay.  No, I get it.  It's all good.  I just..well...nevermind.

Um, I guess that last part is a lie.  The book itself is 212 pages total, but there's that whole, practically blank cover page and a table of contents as well.  So...210 pages.  Don't let me get too big of a head.  It's the shortest of all my books, too.  Some places say that formatting is a big deal to figure out how many pages your book would be as a novel.  What I'm seeing pretty consistently is an average of 250 words per page.  If that's the case, then my book has 121,156 words, divided by 250 words per page...means 484.6 pages.  So, like 485 pages rounding up for a cover page.  I know I did this kind of stuff in my stats post a few weeks ago, but I revised it a few times so it's a little longer.  

So...it's really big (that's what she said).  Bigger than I thought it was.  I, apparently, am verbose.  It's a surprise to us all, I know.  I was just so excited to have a book, you know?  I know that self publishing such a niche book will probably never happen, and I can't handle the stress of trying to do that as well as doing my other two jobs, too, but it's a dream.  Honestly, I don't care to make money from it (though it would be nice, you know?), I would just like people who are interested in that kind of stuff to read it and tell me what they think.

Also, seeing it printed, while making it kinda real to me, also made me feel like it's probably not very good.

So...maybe I don't want to know what people honestly think of it, I have practically no self confidence.  But I want it to be good.  :/

Did I mention I finished the third book over the weekend?  And started the fourth, and last, one.  I promise, this one will end the "Promise" series, which I don't know if I'm calling it that or not.  I will finish this story line. I really will.

Mother of light, give me my heart

Wow.  That last post.  That girl should see someone, amirite?

Anyway.

It's snowing today for the first time in a while.  Like since March or something.  Our weather has been really weird, and it's made me uncomfortable.  Guess I'm getting old, cause you know, back in my day, nature knew well enough to have already been snowing intermittently by now.

I tried to appreciate the good weather but it was difficult for me.  It almost felt how you feel when you know that one dude at work, you know the one, the one that always seems to do the fucking stupid shit that defies logic and messes up all your best laid plans?  That guy.  It's like when he is unexpectedly nice to you for a while and you are just waiting for it to come back on you (it did, by the way.  It always does eventually).

Anyway, this post is about nothing.  It's why you come here.  For the quality content.

Our eyes were like the sky

I feel as if the world has stayed sane and I've lost my mind.  If you are in the minority, perhaps you are wrong, right.  At work, politically, well, shit.

I'm so tired of stuff, of work, of our country, of people.  I've been having a hard time with the death of a friend, I'll feel fine, then shit really gets to me super easily and I break down really easily.  I don't know.  I don't want to blame it on that, like I'm using it as a crutch.  Maybe it's just me being me.  Being the selfish, needy kind of person I am.

Ran into a random mother over the weekend.  We bonded over the fact that our children make us want to be reclusive because going out is more punishment than staying in the jails we have made ourselves that we call home.

I dunno.  It's a dark place inside my head today.  I am feeling adrift and directionless.  The worst part, I know lots of people have it much worse than me and I should be thankful for the shit I have.  I'm horrible for even feeling like I do.  

That thought just makes it worse, makes me feel even more like a pathetic, whiny loser.  Some days I feel like an empty vessel that just fits whatever gets put inside, if it's what I'm supposed to be at work, or personally, or whatever.  I feel like a big lie sometimes.  I don't deserve emotions, I just ruin them.

Please don't worry about me, this will pass.

Don't mind me, just listening to metal, black as my mood.

WTF just happened 'Merica?

I think there are a lot of us who are left thinking, what the fuck just happened?  How did that lying, misogynistic, racist, money loving, narcissistic failed tycoon end up in charge of the country.

I don't have an answer.  I do know that I am so sad about our country.  I worry for all of us, the hate and the derision that brought us to this point.  How are we such a country divided?  Where did we go wrong?

Shortsightedness is Dude's excuse.  That, and the electoral collage once again failing to represent the popular sentiment of the American people.  We need to move past this.  We need to eliminate the electoral collage so our vote counts again.

Some of the things our new pres elect has promised in the first 100 days:
Things I think are bad:

• -De-fund climate change research and reallocate that money into water and infrastructure 
• Initially I want to say 'because climate change is bullshit, as all republicans know' which is kinda unfair.  but, it's not so simple.  Really, this one is tricky.  So, water and infrastructure are incredibly CRITICAL.  But not at the expense of not being prepared for climate change (losing florida into the sea, the sinking of NYC, loss of costal shorelines and millions upon millions of people impacted by droughts, hurricanes, floods and other severe weather events).  Don't shortchange climate change because of water.  Find help for water and bridges elsewhere (perhaps where you are spending all that money trying to get the keystone pipeline active again...)
• Spend a ton of money revitalizing coal, gas and oil, including overturning the Keystone pipeline 'roadblocks'  
• because, you know, fuck the environment and renewable energy
• Freeze federal hiring to reduce government by attrition 
• because you know, those people aren't actively doing jobs for the American public.  one day...shit's gonna fall apart even worse than it is already
• Build a wall around Mexico and bill the Mexican Govt.  
• Because, you know, they will totally pay for it.  As a land manager, I know how much fencing costs.  This is NOT financially responsible first and foremost, without even taking in the other fifty reasons it is a bad idea. Just an idea, for a quarter of a mile of green fencing with barbed wire topping...cost us $75,000.  
• Imposing 2 year mandatory minimum sentences for illegal immigrants for entering after deportation. 
• Because, you know, let's kick them out the first time but give them room and board I have to pay for the second time.  Ehhhhhh.....I don't think this one was thought through.  Are we going to charge the Mexican govt for this, too? 
• Requirement that for every new federal regulation two existing regulations must be eliminated. 
• How is that going to work?  Water treatment is federally regulated.  So, if we decide to regulate the algal toxin Microcystin, do we get to get rid of regulations on arsenic and selenium?  Seems like we are going to have a problem here really quickly. 

So, stuff I kinda am waiting to see how it works out: 

• Repealing obamacare
• So...if this is done well, and we get a health savings program instead, this might work.  There's solid proof elsewhere in the world that it does work.  But...i just can't see Trump making it work. 
• Affordable Childcare and Eldercare Act.  
• in theory it sounds great.  Since we aren't hiring more federal employees...who's going to run this shiny new program?
• School Choice and Educational Opportunity Act
• Let's see how this goes, too.  Lots of ways for it to be another 'no child left behind' program
• End Offshoring Act
• Again...it seems like a really cool program.  Who's gonna run it when the employees are all gone and how are you going to enforce and keep it from fraud? 
• Lifetime ban on white house officials being foreign lobbyists, ban on foreign lobbyists raising money for American elections, and White House officials having to wait 5 years to be lobbyists in America
• This all makes sense to me. 

So....efff...I have no idea.  Also, i feel like I'm a minority now, buried under a country of crazy, horrible, selfish human beings.  Not a proud moment.  Hang tough, friends.  It's only four  years.  

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