A small pause with an oddness and a stillness that felt...ominious

Sooooo.......

Just got back from volunteering at a fund raiser preparation thingy for Asher's school.  With a bunch of rich mommies.

Guess who's feelings of self worth are about.... nonexistent.  I was hoping to make some friends or something but I couldn't really find anything to talk to these women about. I overheard conversations about how only having one maid really means you don't have time to do anything and about which private soccer coach is the best.

Where do I jump into that conversation? Oh, hey ladies.  I know how hard it is to only have one maid.  I mean, mine is a super mega bitch, too.  She tells my kids what to do all the time and makes her husband..eh-hem, I mean she makes my husband clean the cat box and sometimes do laundry.  I'd really get rid of her if she also didn't double as our wet nurse.  Maybe after Seiry is weaned we can fire her and find someone more... efficient and dependable and nice. Cause man, she really can be a bitch.

Oh man, now I totally fit in.  Oh wait, did you think I actually talked to anyone?  I tried twice and felt awkward and unwanted so I just worked and listened.  Oh, and did I mention that no one would work by me for like an hour, like I have poorness leprosy and man, I'm pretty sure we just saw her nose fall off.  Don't say anything.  No, don't look.  Oh, you looked.  Did she see you look?  Probably not, I heard that poor people don't eat very well and I see she has glasses.

We are not poor by the way.  I mean, we aren't rich but we do okay.  But...going home from the hostess's house to our house, which is only a few roads away, made me feel that if any of those women drove down my street they would lock their car doors as they drove by.

Sorry.  I'm sure these were nice ladies and that they would be very accepting of me.  But I am kind of shy, I really can be, especially around other women.  And it was stressful and intimidating and it helps to make fun of it.

walking the fine line between fact and fiction.

Sitting in the lobby if the sboro dunkin donuts waiting for the lady from the citizens group for lake stuff to show up. Bought chai that is horrible for me, I can see through the decadence to know its gonna go straight to my already huge ads. Or maybe my thighs, they divvy the fat evenly. I should have asked for soymilk but I didn't think about it until it would have been rude to change my order. She's here now. We talked about stuff but nothing real. I sounded interested but I know that nothing will probably come from this meeting. Brought back guilt bagels for the plant. Not enough, only half a dozen. They assuage my guilt from sitting in the dining area without buying stuff. At least I didn't buy the little hash rounds I wanted. You know, for my butt.

This ain't the simple life but it's the only life I know

So, I've been reading this investigation stuff that another co-worker found at work when I asked for what the original channel of the Cuyahoga River looked like before there was a dam in Franklin Twp.  It does not have what the original river channel looks like but I have some nerdy history friends who have an old plot book from the turn of the century (the one previous to the one we just experienced) and they are sending me the maps so yippie for that (I have the best friends).

Anyway, this stuff, a 1071 page pdf called "NEW ARCHIVES", is my current obsession at work.  I think it's amazing.  It's full of what my nerdy history friends call "primary sources" dating from 1918 to somewhere after 1950 or later perhaps, I'm not done perusing this file.  And it's def an obsession.  I've been reading it two weeks now.  A few pages here, a hundred pages there.  Printing out the interesting stuff.  I seriously want to write a book.  This file is the life story of Akron Water Supply and the Cuyahoga River and the beginnings of the Metroparks and environmental stewardship.  It's so interesting.  I mean, I know I'm nerding out a bit but....I'm 604 pages in and I can't seem to stop myself.  Would you read a book about it if I wrote one?  I was thinking about trying to write a journal article for AWWA on the history of the Cuyahoga River as far as conservation goes or maybe something on the creation of the Akron Water system.  But...do other people care, I mean other than me, my boss and my history nerd friends?      

Every drink, now without Pollywogs!  You know, this is crazy to me.  People who are still alive used to drink water with pollywogs in it.  There's another article somewhere in this mess that states that Typhoid cases are down with Akron's new water system.  And people complain if the water has a slight taste or odor now to it, what did they do when they had small macro invertebrates swimming in their water glasses and bathtubs?  I'm sure they still complained.  By letter.  Or western reserve telegram.  Or to their horse.  

A completely different river....

I wish I had an alternate reality time machine where I could visit and see this crazy Hiram Reservoir, proposed to hold 46 billion gallons of water and be 11 miles long.  This idea was kicked around for at least 40 years.  Probably even longer, I haven't read that far yet.  Land was purchased, industry wars were fought between private water suppliers and the cities of Cleveland and Akron.  It's some amazing stuff.  

This one is amusing to me because they are claiming that the Akron Water Supply (completely a municipality run water supply) was a "sample reservoir" for the Western Reserve Water Company and that they had anything to do with the quality of the treated water coming out of Lake Rockwell, even if they did sort of suggest the reservoir to be built, kind of sort of, at this point it seems like it's a "he said she said" but with more men and less women argument between the City and the engineers at WRWC.  

I obviously have a loyalty to AWS but I think this stuff is awesome.  I could post a ton more stuff and I probably will at some point.  Maybe I'll just take some points and write really well thought out and articulate articles on my blog.  See, that was a joke.  For lots of reasons.  

A hundred different ways to cause hysteria

Slacking off at work today.  I am going to get motivated in just a minute or so.  After I write this.

Rented John Dies at the End last night.  Not impressed.  Parts of it were okay.  I prefer the books hardcore over the movie.  Ry wasn't disappointed but Dave and I were. They just tried to fit too much into one movie, they should have split the book up and either made the book based on the first half of the book or the second half of the book.  Instead they mashed thing up and forced things together and basically (as Dave said) made a Sci-fi original of the whole thing.  Disappointing.  It had tons of potential and it was the first movie in a long time I was willing to risk getting a babysitter past bedtime for to go out and see.  I guess I'm glad Amazon let me rent it instead (and that it isn't playing anywhere around here).

Before glazing, after throwing and paining

After glazing. 

In use with Bleu Peacock Oolong Tea. 

I'm sitting here at work drinking oolong tea from my new mug.  That I made.  From clay.  With my hands.  Which is awesome.  All sorts of awesome.

Planning for the trip to California.  Something to look forward to for sure.

I want to go back to the pottery place.  It was very therapeutic   Relaxing and creative.  Sometimes it's hard to feel like your own person, you know? Maybe.

Still running, if you were curious.  I'm down some amount of pounds.  Why is the abbreviation for pounds lb?  I'm sure it's Latin, which means I should know.  But I don't.  I could look it up. But I'm not going to.  I'm going to go to work now.

let yourself float above the notion we're gonna work it out

Writing this on my tablet tonight while feeding the baby. Bought our plane tickets to California. I'm nervous, a nonstop flight with both kids.... Seiry will only be nine months old, too. We have never flown w a baby so young before-. And I also hate spending so much money at once. I can't help it, I have a hard time buying expensive things. I think it was from growing up poor. Ah well, we got by.

Why do I empathize with the bad guys? In movies and TV shows, unless there's no redeeming qualities at all, I always feel bad for the bad guys. Does that mean I must secretly think I'm a villain in the story I've written?

It ain't easy to go to heaven when we're all going down

It's difficult to respect yourself when you don't have any self respect.  It's hard to have self confidence when you aren't confident in yourself.  Do you see where I'm going with this? 

A few days of no sleep.  I'm still kind of depressed.  It's an angry depression this time.  I'm tired and angry that I'm tired and I'm grumpy and tired of being grumpy.  Rocking out to David Bowie this morning.  It's good.  I need a run today.  Doing well with the running, thanks for asking. 

Wish I was more awesome than I am.  I wish I felt more awesome than I am at least, so I could fake being awesome.  I think that is what puts the "lie" in believe, faking being awesome.