What I'm searching for, to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall

Last day of November, today is.  Yup.  It's all over.  Goodbye November.  Hello December.  Almost the end of yet another year.  And what have I accomplished?  I'm thinking of writing a list of all of the things I have accomplished this year.  You should, too. 

It's a rainy day out today.  Christmas shopping was semi-successful but not too successful.  Oh well.  I guess I still have time, I was just hoping to get stuff out of the way.  Why is it that you buy someone something and then think of something super cool to give them only after you have bought the other stuff?  I mean, the other stuff is cool, too, but they would appreciate the thing you thought of too late much more.  Sigh.  Such is the folly of buying gifts. 

I had a fail on first attempt at making alcoholic chocolate covered cherries.  I guess I'll try again sometime...The cherries just taste like medicine, they are too 'cherry' flavored.  I know, how is that possible, they are cherries?  But it's true. 

Am in a melencholy mood today.  And yesterday.  After my concert high wore off I was kind depressed.  Compile that with my shopping failure (I should have known it would be a failure, I'm horrible at shopping in normal times) and my overall alone-ness yesterday of course I'm feeling kinda depressed.  I have discovered something about myself.  I need people.  I need people who care about me to interact with.  all the time.  I am not good by myself.  Some people need alone time.  I, on the other hand, have waaaay too much alone time seeing as how I work solo all the time then spend another large chunk of my day with a toddler who really could care less what I want and isn't much of a conversationalist yet.  I am an emotional vampire. 

Mind Razor Bust Strobe Channel Flashback, on the beat

Dommin...I can't help but love them...

So, the birthday massacre show with dommin at Peabody's in Cleveland last night was was one of the best shows I've been to in a loooong time, even if i was still sick and spent some time in the bathroom during Black Veil Brides.  Man, that is one pretentious band if I've ever listened to a pretentious band. They dissed the half the crowd, they said we weren't Americans if we didn't like their music and dissed the birthday massacre by saying 'fuck Canada and Canadians'.  Hmm..perhaps you shouldn't dis the band that took you around country on tour with them and made you money, eh? 

Also, they played "we're an American band" like fifty times before their set and then played the national anthem to open and butchered it almost into almost the worst rendition I've ever heard.  And they all look like girlyboys, but that's just my added opinion, lucky you.  

Anyway, we got there a little too late to see Aural Vampire, which was the plan, but now I"m listening to them on youtube and I kinda like them so I'm a little sad we got there so late.  But, I was feeling pretty sick so I might not have made it through the whole show if I had come that early.  I'll check out AV on my own and see them again if they come through sometime. 

I bought a Dommin shirt and saw Kristofer Dommin and the drummer at the merch table and was pretty excited.  Later I went to talk to them but I got pushed out of the way by the thousand and a half teeny boppers trying to get to the meet and greet table for Black Veil Brides.  Ah, to be young and like sub-par music.  Oh well, I'm sure I'll see Dommin again.  They are so energetic and into their music and their music is soo good!  I love the drummer!  She is so awesome.  I have a thing for chick drummers, I think. I'm not sure she is a permanent band member, though, I don't know... And I kinda <3 their 50's greaser look.  They threw roses out into the crowd and they were filming some stuff for the video closure so that will be cool. I mean, I'm wayyy too short so even if this part of the video makes it into the final, well, maybe you'll see The Vic.  

Then we sat through (partially) BVB which was painful...but well worth it since we got to see The Birthday Massacre next!  My god, I love that band.  So much.  They put on a hell of a live show.  They are so energetic and obviously really appreciate and like their fans.  Some drunk douche bags started a mosh pit to Always which is a slow song (how stupid, I guess this is why cleveland has such a bad reputation for bands and why I'll never see a band like Cake come anywhere even near here) but that fizzled out after a while.  All the new stuff they played was nice and heavy and fun and dancy.  It was cute, chibi told us that she was coming out for an encore of two more songs with her fingers, like held up two fingers when she said "this is our last song".  And, I swear Chibi singles the vic out every time!  She specifically pulled to hold his hand last night not once but twice!  I just have to live vicariously through him, I guess.  She's so cute.  That whole band is so cute and I <3 them sooo much.  Ok, enough fangirl craziness.  

I've seen tbm 6 times now, and it never gets old and they always rock harder than the previous time I saw them.  They just keep getting better and better.  I love it. 

See, I took today off so I could sleep in (which ry acted like a huge baby about this morning) and get all (or most) of my xmas shopping done today.  So, I should probably do that.  I just wanted to post about the awesome concert last night and how much it must suck that you missed such an awesome concert.  Until next time, Birthday Massacre...I'll be there again. 

And exgirlfriends, they don't understand

Wow, feeling like shit this morning.  At least having the humidifier on in the bedroom helped last night but now poor bear is all congesty, too.  I'm gonna have to put a humidifier in his room, too.  And the worst part about the whole thing?  Tonight is the birthday massacre and dommin concert I've been looking forward to for months and I feel like shit and my ears won't pop and I don't know if I can handle it.  WHHYYYYY!!!!

Anyway, melodramatics aside.  boy am I an idiot.  I forgot to take pictures of  making the beef tenderloin.  Freaking retarded.  It turned out so nice, too.  I was really worried, I ruined a meat thermometer.  I really need a probe thermometer for the oven, I guess you aren't supposed to put a meat thermometer in the oven and leave it there.  But, worry not, beef was not ruined.  I really need to learn to photodocument better, you know?  I guess I just get carried away with the cooking and I forget to take the pictures.  I have seven people who can vouche for how good it was and how good it looked, though. 

Anyway....I'm glad the beef was a success, it cost so much money!  Who knew a cut of meat could be so expensive.  I bought the $8.99 lb one (7.34 lbs worth) but they had an all  organic corn fed one that was $11.99 lb.  Crazy!  It was worth it, though.  Very delicious. 

But....the feast was supposed to be for my dad's family.  Unfortunatly for them (doubly) they had the flu and none of them could make it.  So, I invited some extra friends over and we chowed down.  So, hopefully my dad feels better, we might go to someplace out to eat, like Red Lobster, that'd be nice.  I hope that's not just wishful thinking. 

I have the design for my tattoo all ready to go (I changed my mind from the maple leaf, it always just seemed to look like a pot leaf no matter how i looked at it).  Gonna get some bamboo.  Here's a pic of what I'm gonna ask for.

What do you think? 

All the strangers passing through where the rules just don't apply

Happy Black Friday.  Does it say something about capitolism that the first offical day of the holiday season is called "black friday"?  Think on that for just a moment, will you?

So, thanksgiving one and two were pretty good.  Only one more to go, the Alton Brown tenderloin thanksgiving.  I'm looking forward to it.  I have to stop by the store today and get parsley and I think I'm good. Oh, and cold medicine because I think I have sinus infection.  And Ry.  And maybe Bear, too.  Oh well.

If I had a daughter right now I'd want to name her Moxie.  Ry hates that name but I think it's awesome.  I guess it's a good think I'm not pregnant with a girl right now.

Here's the Zombie apocolypse picture.  It was pretty fun, I'm gonna have to work out some of the details.  We are going to make official player character cards with strenghts and weaknesses and I need to put more guns in the game.  I killed two out of three of my PCs, so that was close to my goal of killing them all. 

Don't waste your time on me, I'm already...

Hey y'all.  For those y'all who wear fanny packs, and pony tails?

Okay, enough of that.  Yea!  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and tonight is my awesome zombie wave onslaught. It's gonna rock.  I made these awesome weapons cards and we have all sorts of zombies and skeletons to go against. I pretty much made a board game version of any zombie survival game but I don't care, I made it and it's gonna rock.  I'll take pics if I remember and post them later.

You know, i thought of something really cool to write about this morning while i was on my way to work and guess who already forgot what it was.  Why do I suck like that?  I'm not sure.  Oh well, maybe it will come to me, right? 

The other night while I was putting bear to bed ry and I both said 'good night, love you bear' and he said back to us 'nite!  wuvvewww'.  I about cried.  Acutually, I did cry.  It's the first time bear has ever said that love you. He hasn't said it since.  I think he's saving it up for when he's in trouble.  that's what I would do. 

Anyway...more of the same at work.  i do something they ask me to do and then they say that it's not what they wanted...grr...you know?  Yea, you know.

I don't think you really mean it

Almost forgot to write the blog today.  I  have just been annoyed and busy with stupid shit at work, that's all. 

But, it's not like I have a bunch to write about today.

Oh, wait, I do have one thing.  So, bear and ry went to this place called Pump it Up in stow, it's like a jump house emporium for Bear's second cousin's birthday party on Sunday.  They had a great time, lots of fun and rug burn I've been told (I had to work). 

Yesterday second cuz's mom calls roro (who watches bear) and says that second cuz has strep throat.  And had it before the party.  And her mom knew about it, but she was feeling better!  So, then she got all sick again that night, of course and the dr said it was still strep throat.  So now all the kids at the party have been potentially contaminated with strep.  Joy.  I'm pretty mad about the whole thing.  Why don't people ever practice the 'if you are sick, stay home' technique?  They really should.  The worst part, cuz's mom is a nurse.  So she should have known better.  Really, it's people like that who don't stay home when they are sick who create pandemics. 

Well, there's my bitch fest.

Sleeping with the insects, dreaming about the ocean

Today I feel like something important has changed but I don't know what it is.  I had strange dreams all night that I only half remember parts of, all drifty inside my head.  They weren't bad, just strange. 

I find out today if I have to work crazy shifts next year.  I guess time will tell.  I wish the city knew what it wanted me to do and just left me alone long enough to complete it, you know? It would feel so good to finish up just one project, it really would. 

Thanksgiving so soon!  I have to make my pumpkin pie soon.   And, did I mention I bought the beef tenderloin yesterday for my thanksgiving on saturday?  It cost $8.99 lb.  So, the cheapest one I could find ran me $47.00 at giant eagle.  I cried a little.  I'm not worried that the meat is going to rock, I'm worried that I am going to mess it up while cooking it.  I bought a special meat thermometer just for this occasion, too, so hopefully I don't mess it up. 

Speaking of cooking, there's the oreo pics.  My bro didn't like them as much but Ry and The Vic said they were better than store quality.  I dunno....

If something's broke, I'm gonna put a little fixing on it

Made the oreos yesterday and forgot to take a pic!  Stupid me.  I'll do it today and post it tomorrow, I promise.  They turned out pretty okay.  I wish I knew the technique to make them look beautifully professional... that's my one gripe.  Oh well, I was told they taste delicious.  I wouldn't know because I don't like oreos.  I ended up frosting the oreos with marshmallow fluff, then coating them in white chocolate and then some of them were topped with beautiful freeze dried strawberries or bananas.  I'll get pics to post. 
Oh, and the Cherries are soaking in Vodka right now for the choco covered cherries.  I'm thinking maybe I shoulda asked for rum...well, this is experimentation!

It's a cold quiet sunday morning.  I should still be in bed.  I'm getting excited for Thanksgiving for the first time in a long time.  I'm glad I made the ultimatum to my family that we are only going one place (or two max) on any given holiday.  And I'm excited to make Alton Brown's Beef Tenderloin in a salt crust. So, if you're coming let me know! 

And that's all for today. 

Well we should been coulda been worse than you would even know

So...

Here I am at work again.  Working hard, working over.  Working on a beautiful friday night I could be at home with my bear and my hubby.  So, I'm crying on the inside a little bit. But, enough of the pity party.

I tried my first attempt at making white chocolate covered marshmallow oreos.  I bought hersey's white chocolate chips and tried to melt them down.  They melted pretty good and then I noticed they were getting clumpy really fast.  I added butter but they said that they didn't take bribes and made one huge stupid looking clump.  See it?  It does look stupid.  So I had to throw them away.  So now I'm gonna just buy the melting discs, I just thought I'd be fancy, you know?  Yeah.  Didn't work out so well for me. 

Oh well, I'm gonna try again tomorrow.  I'm also experimenting with other chocolate tomorrow maybe...we will see.  I'm in a baking/candy mood. 

It's a good thing, it's almost over

So, I finally have the time to work on my EPA project at work and now I find I can't concentrate on it at all.  I'm constantly distracted by everything else.  And, to top it all off, I'm tired of Pandora and so I wanted to try Lastfm, which someone else here recommended, and it won't freaking work on my piece of crap compy.  Freaking seriously? Yes, it's that kind of day. 

Now they are talking about making ranger schedules go back to all three shifts.  I'd like to see how they are going to do that with 1 1/2 rangers.  I refuse to work that much overtime, I think it's illegal or something.  Seriously.  And they are trying to change my uniform again.  Again.  For like, the 100th time.  Why can't anyone just be content? 

I'm thinking that we will have christmas cookie day on December 11th, does that work for everyone? 

And, I'm hosting a thanksgiving feast at my house on Saturday after thanksgiving, the menu is Beef Tenderloin with a salt crust, Cheesy Potatoes of some sort, green bean casserole and other food.  Menu is subject to availability and whatever I decide to make.  You coming?

I've nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone

So...I stayed up way too late waiting for Ry to get home from the Cavs game with his mom and watching True Blood.  Jenjen was right, the second season is much better than the first.  Very good and addicting.  I don't remember all the details from the books, either, so it's kind of nice that I know what's going on but I don't necessarily remember the details.  But stayed up way to late. 


I feel like today should be thursday.  I don't know why but I'm antsy to be off.  Perhaps it's because I worked OT last week and I will work it again this week and next week and not have very many days off.  It's not too bad, it'd be nice to get paid for but I don't see that happeneing any time soon. 

I need to start getting serious about xmas shopping soon, I hate to shop when all the stores get really busy.  It makes me anxious and depressed.  I like to shop, which is why I don't just buy all my presents on the interwebs, but I just get upset if there are too many people around. 

New dnd character builder is online yesterday.  I rebuilt my character in it and it's pretty cool, it's very easy to use and helpful.  I think it asked me if it could make me a cup of tea while I waited for it to load.

I need to get moving on the book.  I have  most of the text done but none of the pages.  Go figure. Okay, get to work, slacker.

I want nothing to do with the wars going on inside of you

On the fence as to whether or not to apply for kent job.  Need to get the ap in by 4 today but I won't be able to do it while working because I am training today.  I'm just worried that I will leave this job for another city job and it will be teh same shit in a different place.  And I'll lose my seniority.  But I'll be making $4 more an hour if I were to get the job...Oh, I should just do it, right?  I don't know.  What if I hate that job?  I like this one okay, it just doesn't pay so well.  I don't know.  Why am I always like this?

I want to go back to sleep.  Had to wake Bear up for a change this morning. I think he said to me 'moma, why does the morning have to come so early?'  Oh, wait, that's what I said to him.  So tired.  It doesn't help that Ry lets his alarm go off for like an hour from 5-6, I usually sleep in till 6.  Bastard.  It wakes me up every day and i have to shove him to turn it off.  Why do men suck? 

Oh, and on the bread, not gonna happen until maybe the weekend or Bear turns 15.  I just don't have the time or parental support to get bread making done. Some people think that just because momma is home that they don't have baby rangling duties.  Or something.  Just because Bear always wants mamma doesn't mean that you can't try to distract him from me for a while, you know?

Where were you when we were getting high?

Same shit at work.  Why is it always the same stuff?  Why do I let it get to me?  I don't know.  I'm gonna make some home made bread tonight if I get a chance.  I obviously did not get a chance last night but I don't think we have any plans so I might get one today. 

I need something relevant to say.  Something profound that makes my existance worthwhile and meaningful.  I don't have anything like that, though.  And now if I even tried it would sound forced.  Sometimes you just can't force those things, you know?

leaving nothing more, nothing left to say

Went to Moxie last night, it's a Tappas style restaraunt. I love tappas style.  Basically it means you get options, like here's the menu of tiny portions, here's the menu of little portions and here's the whole meal portions.  So, if you want, have tastes of lots of fancy foods, or just get one meal of fancy food.  Or get a bunch of stuff and share (which is what Ry and I do).  It's easy to get carried away at places like this, there so much food you want to try.  And it's usually soo good.  And it was.  It wasn't as good as Lola but it was nice and tasty.  And the ambiance is nice there.   The website said business casual dress code so I dressed up but there were people there in jeans and a tee shirt so it wasn't necessary apparently.  But...I looked good last night so I felt good, you know what I mean? 

And the food show at teh I X center?  Awesome.  Tried lots of good food and got to see Alton Brown give a live demonstration.  So exciting.  I love Alton Brown.  Seriously, I think he's the reason I really enjoy cooking.  No one had ever tied science and cooking together for me like that before and I think that is what really makes me into cooking now.  I love it.  I think I'm gonna try to make homemade bread tonight, too.  So, yeah, if I do I'll post pics tomorrow or something. 

Okay, gotta get to work.  Its freezing in my office right now and my fingers are about ready to fall off.  I don't know why the heat isn't working... :(

Kiss me goodbye, for the doctors are coming

Feeling much less like I hate everything today.  I don't know what had my knickers in a knot yesterday. 

I secretly wish I had a British accent.  It's so sexy and cool.  Maybe not to Brits but to us Ohioans it's pretty damn posh. 

I was totally planning on sleeping in today and here I am, first one up.  I even beat the baby awake this morning.  WTF is up with that? Seriously.  I had the choice of laying in bed pretending to sleep or doing something, so I decided to do something.  So, free time to write a blog it is, right?  I'm sure you are all happy about it, those who read my blog like ghosts shifting in the fog.  

I need to make something and get the word out about bowling on dec 4th.  I am pretty sure I don't have to work so I think we will do a late afternoon party or an early evening party.  Okay, gotta go, guess who just woke up... :)

When she wants, she wants the sun, instead of the moon

Getting ready for work.  Bear napped longer than I thought he would so now I had to call Roro to come here and babysit instead of taking him there.  I feel bad but someone was up way to early for his own good this morning which put mommy in a horrid mood all day.  

Yes, I've been in a horrible mood.  Maybe work will help clear it up.  I dunno.  

Started watching true blood season 2, jenjen told me it was better than the first season so I'm giving it a go.  So far not too bad, tho it's still a bit too long for it's own good.  I do like Anna Paquin, though. so it's okay.  I really don't like Bill, I never did in the books and I still don't in the movies. 

It seems like the clocks around my house are always stuck at the same time.  I feel that way in my life right now, too.  Stuck on the same time, clicking and ticking away but never making it past the point I'm at.  Don't worry, it's just my moodiness.  Morose? Melancholy? (damn, i can never spell that right)  

Don't tell but I'm applying for a few different jobs, they kinda got dropped in my lap and they are worth the effort, I think.  I don't know...maybe it's just the change I need.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  

I need a yoga buddy.

A dream far away to peel back the shade behind the gray

Cause I'm in the dark, all alone, around you.

Feeling like doing nothing today.  How sad is that?  I'm off tomorrow for Veterans day, thanks to all veterans.  It's also my grandpa's birthday so me and the bear might go out to visit him and make the most of the day off. 

I finished my first fluff book  yesterday (I just couldn't stop listening!) and went to get the second one. First, no audio book.  Second, checked out on clevenet.  Third, checked out at Twinsburg library!  FUCK!  So, I bought it on my ereader and downloaded the 3rd one from the library.  Poo.  Oh well, it was paperback priced cheap.  Can I just say I love bones so much.  I need a sexy british vamp to talk dirty to me, and more.  Oh yes.

Did a little work on the cleve book last night, too.  It's gonna be really awesome, or it's really gonna suck.  oh well, we are trying either way, i guess. 

And not one supports the cause to leave the blood inside the veins

I'm reading fluff again.  Acutally listening to it.  And boy, I blush when I hear someone reading filthy smut to me over my work radio.  I didn't know I still had it in me, the blushing I mean.  This times it's One Foot in the Grave by Jeaniene Frost.  Pretty good fluff.  I'm a fluff whore.  I'm also reading other stuff as you can see if you look just to the side, stuff that's not fluff so you can just, well, yeah.  You can.  You know what you can do.  Well, you can do pretty much whatever you want, I can't stop you. 

So, xmas-antixmas-whatever bowling party date is gonna be Dec 4th I think.  Probably in the day time?  I still have to double check that I'm not gonna be up for the overtime, I wanna get it posted soon, though.  Was thinking about a cover charge to pay for stuff, you know, food and bowling, what do you  think?

I am feeling anticipatory, like somethings gonna happen or somethings gonna change.  I don't know what, I just have that ancy feeling. 

Here's a link to bear's first music video.  I think he's gonna make it big. 

Birds fall from the window ledge above mine

I really love that song so much.  It's Mr. Mastodon Farm by Cake.  It's off their very first album and it's probably one of the best songs ever in my opinion.  I feel so connected to things when I listen to this song.  I don't know what it is about this song, or some other songs by Cake that do the same thing to me like Shadow Stabbing and Up So Close.  They just make me feel very connected to things, make me feel like there is meaning to life and it's simple and clean and unfettered by daily crap.  I guess listening to these songs is like giving my soul a 2min 35second bath.  You know what, here's a link to Mr. Mastodon Farm.  Check it out.  It might just be me, but if you feel better after listening to it, then let me know. 

Just another day in paradise at work.  I'm reading/listening to a lot of horror right now so I creep myself out when I work alone.  It's fun and scary at the same time.  You know?

Food show this weekend.  I'm excited to see Alton Brown, he is my cooking hero.  I'm looking into taking a few classes at this place JJ suggested in Chesterland in the spring, maybe a bread class and a cake decorating class and a risotto class.  I love risotto.

And I heard today that Walking Dead is on Hulu now so I'm gonna check it out tonite.  I'll let you know how it is if you haven't seen it  yet.  I haven't, obviously.

Also, moving on to stage two in my diet/lifestyle change.  Today starts 2/3 Vegan instead of 2/3 vegetarian.  Let's see if I can do it.  I have faith.  So far today, apple oatmeal.  Good start.  I'm also going to try to go swimming everyday after work before I pick up bear.  At least, that's the intent.  

You make me dance to a different beat

Sunday morning...  that's how I feel.

We need to get rid of daylight savings time as a country.  Now, I don't mind gaining an hour in the fall but I detest giving it back. And I really don't think it's necessary.  It messes people up just so you can have some sunlight earlier in the winter.  It doesn't change the amount of sunlight you get, just when you get it.  I'm gonna run for government, my platform: Daylight savings time is a bitch and needs to be put down, for good!

Would you vote for me?  I'm not promising anything else. 

Bear was sick (kind of) last night, Ry called me the minute I got to work and begged me to come home by being mean on the phone and then hanging up when I told him to give bear some motrin.  He said he couldn't find it so I got someone to cover for me, left work, picked up some more baby motrin, got home and found the other motrin just where I said it would be.  Gave bear some motrin, and other than a red face all night he seemed fine.  Meh. 

Anyway...Should probably get to work.  I'll hit all ya cool cats up later.

I was never here, it's just a faint reflection

It's a gloomy day in Twinsburg, Ohio.  Looks like it's gonna rain but I heard we might have our very first flake of snow fall for the season.  We had a pretty good fall so I think that's acceptable.  I'll post some pretty snow pictures of the watershed when I get some, the watershed is very photogenic.  

What started out as something that was (supposed to be) clever and insightful has turned into random ramblings of my life.  And it's pretty boring.  Oh well.  I didn't write this for you, as a very spiteful Dr.Frankenfurter would say.  Originally this was to be my diary, where I kept all my innermost thoughts. My mental fortress of solitude.  So much for that, too. Because, realistically, who posts their innermost thoughts on the internet for everyone to read?  I mean, I'm pretty open and frank with you all but I don't tell everything (I'm just not that kind of girl!).

So, it's my off day anyway and this is a bonus blog for you because Bear is being very quiet and coloring with crayons on the table (joy) and gave me ten minutes to type out stuffs.  

And I hope you enjoy the new layout.  I did it just for you.  

Oh, and keep your eyes open for the Grinch anti-Xmas bowling party details coming soon.  I'm gonna get a better name for that...and make up a pretty awesome bowling name.  There will be prizes for cool names.  I think I'm gonna have a cover charge for the party so it's easier for me, financially.  Hopefully that doesn't dissuade people.  It'll be fun, even if you hate bowling.

So, thank you for the little show, you make me know what's real

Back to work, conference is finally over. But I am gonna miss comments like yesterday's dimethyl-ethyl-death comments.  And the free food.  Free food is always appreciated. 

Samples, samples, samples today. 

Nothing too exciting.  Didn't play dnd last night because Jeh had the flu and I told him not to come over and infect my child.  So, we watched some venture bros and some jackass.  It was fun but the Shig left early cause he's a wimpy boy. 

It's gonna be a pretty okay day today I think.  Not bad at all. 

dead eyes

A little girl across the alley, her window across from mine. She stood in the window like a door frame. The window was open, there was no screen, which was normal when i was young. She threw her small spindly child's legs out of the window and plopped down, sitting on the windowsill. Her legs kicked out, her pale night gown tight against her knees, the ruffles playing in the breeze around her ankles. Her feet kicked gently at the building and she threw her head back against the frame and stared up at the stars.

You can't see the stars in the city. Maybe she could. She stared up for a long time, weeks and months in several seconds. When she looked down and broke her commune with the heavens she caught my eye. Her eyes were dead. She stared at me with the eyes of the dead, glassy and unfixed, staring while at the same time looking at nothing. Large circles painted the undersides of her eyes. It mildly disturbed me that something so young could look so empty of life.

Then she looked away, yawning in that way only small children can, a huge open mouth with her head thrown back far. She raised her hand in a small petite princess wave to me. I almost smiled, almost waved back. Her hand went down timidly, she looked away, down, away.

Her head turned sharply then, a response to a sound unheard by me. She was startled, her face flashed panicked but before any reaction could occur on her part she was pulled into the window by unseen hands. The window slammed shut audibly.

I never saw the girl with the dead eyes in that window again. She was gone, her window always empty until i moved out, moved on. I grew up but these moments have stayed with me, always on the edge of my thoughts. I wonder why I didn't smile or wave back. I don't know why, its bothered me like a small itch you just can't seem to reach.

I saw a young woman several years later, I can't remember where now. Her eyes were dead. She looked tired, dark circles painted underneith her dead eyes. She waved to me, a timid princess wave. She had on a pale dress that fell to her ankles, hair ringing her pale thin face. She wasn't looking at me but I knew she was looking at me. A small smile played on her lips, barely there. It was comforting, remenicsent, disturbing. She had no life in her smile. She had nothing in her smile. The smile of a corpse.

I waved back and she disappeared, gone again. I'm sure I'll see her again.

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i guess this is growing up

Another wonderful day training for disater management. Yehaa. Feeling a little down. Not massivly, just down a little. I get obsessed with stupid stuff and cant get over it. Im just dumb.

I need something for me, like what i wanted roller derby to be for me. Ry doesnt understand. He tells me i should be happy with what ive got. I know but, you know, i feel like im missing something. I just dont know what.

Im starting a new diet today, its something i think is totally doable for me. Im gonna be 2/3 vegetarian. Meaning im gonna eat two of three meals a day and all snacks as a vegetarian.

Btw, there is a man in my conference today wearing a purple sweatshirt and purple ballcap. Its for some team but it seems so out of place.

Methyl-ethyl-death is the word of the day, by the way. Used in a sentence: you dont wanna open that valve, you know there's methyl-ethyl-death in there, you wouldnt wanna let your kids drink, that. At least not the ones you like.

Ah, water biz humor.

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there's nothing i can do, there's nothing i can say to you

Sitting in a disaster mgmt training class all day today. I think its gonna be pretty boring but the breakfast spread is awesome. Too bad i already ate breakfast. I did get some fruit and yogurt and granola to snack on later. Heard lunch is gonna be just as awesome so thats good.

Went bowling last night and that was fun. I didnt think it was possible to get worse than i already was but i did it. What an accomplishment. :/ Whatevs, its still fun. Its too loud in the bowling alley, tho, hard to have a conversation, and when a sucky song comes on you have no choice but to suffer through it.

No plans tonight. Maybe we will just have a nice night home.

Found out today that i didnt put a stamp on my official change of address for voter registration. That means that i dont get to vote. I sent the stupid letter like last year. Why didnt anyone tell me until now? Now i feel like a bad american.

Im a fun person to hang out with, right. God i feel boring today.

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blogger droid you suck so bad!

So i had a pretty big blog written on my phone about how sad i was about halloween being over and how cute bear and kattie were trick or treating and stuff but my phone (or blogger droid) refused to publish it and finally just deleted it. Poo on you, blogger droid.

Btw, playing a super creepy game called amnesia, its pretty scary! Its a compy game, tho, so it fucks up the computer a bit. Oh well.

Im not ready for the holidays...

Maybe going bowling tonite, havent talked w bobo yet. We will see. I dont know if we can call her bobo, that is what bear named his stuffed monkey this weekend. Might cause some confusion.

Anyway.

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